Sometimes you wanna go

Where everybody knows your name…

(sing along with me)

And they’re always glad you came. you wanna be where people know your troubles are all the same

you wanna go where everybody knows your name.

This song is stuck in my head this morning for a few reasons. Chief among them that sometimes it is nice to just get away for a break. I was able to do that this weekend. It wasn’t long – right around 24 hours. But it was being able to be out of my usual routine that was the necessary and wonderful. It started with a friend saying she just needed to take a road trip and within an hour and a half we were on our way. It was just the kind of spontaneous thing I had needed. The music blasting, singing along at the top of our lungs, talking about anything and everything under the sun, getting dressed up to go people watch out on the town. Sleeping IN!!!! Not hearing beeping pumps and monitors all night. Almost 24 hours without ONCE being asked for a snack!

Please don’t get me wrong – I love being a mom. I love my little crazies even if they do have a serious snack addiction and feel the need to bug me about it nonstop. But everyone needs a break. Everyone needs to have a little “reset”, where you get out of the rut of the everyday and do something different. I think stay at home moms are probably chief among those who need such a thing. It’s a job you never get to leave. Being a mom of a medically complex kiddo compounds that issue. I literally never get to “leave the office”. These little breaks are my “vacation days” or “weekend”. It’s not always practical. I am rarely able to actually plan such a thing. But every once in a while, stars align and chances fall in your lap and you just go for it. So that’s what I did. It was good. I’m so grateful that Ben understood, even if it went fully against his type A plan it out to the detail I can’t believe you’re going to just go on a roadtrip with no notice personality, that this kind of “adventure” is the kind of thing that re-energizes me.

It had been a stressful week. In spite of our best efforts to manage our budget and allow for it – we had to pull the girls from dance. I was heartbroken at having to break their hearts. They handled it the way they have learned to handle so many other disappointments in their life – stoically. There were tears shed, but no fits. no screams of why. No fit throwing. And that broke my heart even more. Kendall’s needs have always taken front and center in the family – and as much as I try to offset that by trying to spend time on each of them individually and make it up to them whenever I can spare a few dollars for a movie or a trip to Chuck e Cheese, they know that there is never enough money to go around.  Ben’s job is good, we are so very grateful for it. And as much as I try to do things here and there from home, there is just no way right now that I can go get a job that will bring in the kind of income we need to help raise a family of 4 kids plus kendall’s medical stuff. We make barely too much to qualify for help beyond her medicaid waiver, but not enough to cover the gap left between paying our insurance deductibles and the waiver kicking in. I’m not going to get into money stuff – but this is part of the “negativity” that I briefly touched on – the judgement of why we do or don’t do this or that, or what we can or can’t afford. The bottom line is that we would not have survived without the generosity of our friends and family and the Kendall Krew fundraisers that have so graciously been provided the last couple of years.  Please hear me that i am in no way trying to beg for money here. I’m simply addressing the fact that we are having to make some serious budget cuts, and dance is the current casualty (along with other boring household stuff).

Having the girls lose dance is just one more thing that they’ve had to sacrifice being the siblings of a special needs child. It was something I always tried to provide them because it was their one place to “get away” from the sometimes chaotic place home can be with kendall’s stuff. It was their place to be themselves, to be known simply as Kealey and Karissa, and not “Kendall’s sister”.  The spotlight was literally on them for a few minutes. I wanted that for them. i wanted them to know and feel as amazing and special as they each are. And I know, I do know, that they don’t need to be in dance to feel that. But it WAS that for them, and it just….i’m just sad they can’t have that. I feel like a little bit of a failure that i can’t somehow figure this out and make a way to do something to make enough money on my own to offset our budgetary deficit. I know that Kendall’s care requires my constant attention. I know that there is no real practical way that right now i can go get a job out of the house. But i feel helpless. And sad. Don’t worry. i’ll be fine. the girls will be fine. It’s just how things are right now, today.

so the break was good. getting away was just the thing I needed. (and not that I think 99% of you will care, but to explain to the 1% of people who will question this – part of why the stars aligned was that my amazing friend had prepaid for basically everything on the trip, so my going did not preclude making a dance payment or anything.)

But today is a new day. The start of a new month. The heralding of a new season even.

So we will look onward and upward. We will keep on keepin’ on. Things will work out the way they are supposed to, of this I have no doubt. I know there is a reason for everything, and I have faith that this set of circumstances will have a fabulous ending in spite of my current feelings.  I’m actually very excited about what September holds! I think it’s going to be an interesting month, but I am honestly inspired by the start of a new month, and while i am usually SO SO SO SAD to see summer go (I’m not one of those people whose all “ yay! fall! pumpkins! sweaters!” – i’m the one in the back going “yeah……not so much a fan of the cold weather that is about to smack us all upside the head…can i have the heat back???”), there is nothing like a new season to help kickstart motivation. At least in my generally unmotivated booty. 

I can’t wait to be able to share it all on here again.

It might be time to wrap up this blog post. I am getting lost deep in the smarminess of late 80’s love songs as linked to by youtube when i was finding the cheers theme song. St Elmo’s fire and tootsie love themes anyone?!?!? oh my gosh…they don’t make ‘em like that anymore. (does that make me sound old? I don’t care. I’m about to start karaoke’ing in the tv room. embarassing children and making ben roll his eyes.) At least my mommy would be proud. And join me in singing along.

OH MY GOSH PETER CETERA!!!!!!!!

 

ok i’m going.

tell me your favorite 80’s cheesy movie love theme song! Better yet – link it so i can make an awesome playlist!

I’m seriously giddy!!!

Peace out party people.

T-crest.