Sacrilege is my middle name.

Josh – your comment is STILL making me bust out laughing at random times. Thanks little bro.

today is a randomly boring and blah day. I do love that it is snowing. i hate that i am stuck inside though since Ben is using my powermobile to get around the city. And I am not really up for cruisin’ around the ‘brook in the maxima with three kids stuffed in the backseat like cabbage rolls. So its a good excuse to stay ensconced in my pajamas and eat out of a big bowl of pasta salad all day long. Cause i need an excuse to do that.

anyways. so the snow. It always seems like good things happen when it snows. Just little pick-me-ups that are very much needed and come in God’s perfect timing.

I feel like there is so much spinning through my brain right now that I don’t even know how to get it all out. Where to start. Plus – there are all of a sudden a lot more of you reading this little project of mine. How does that Anna Nalick song go … "these words are my diary screaming out loud."

Yeah.

that’s how it feels.

But if i can’t really be real and open and honest about what I am feeling and thinking, and growing and changing, then what good is it? what good is anything? In church our pastor has been talking about breaking down barriers. And I think one of my biggest barriers is "normal" people. normal people, when you really take the time to get to know them on a one on one basis, aren’t usually so normal. But how often do we do that? Especially in a place like church. So i lump "all the people I do’nt really know" into a group of "normal people". And most normal people are fake. Ish. There is just – well, a barrier there. a barrier of fakeness, of not really letting anyone else see what is really going on. Of keeping up pretenses. Of trying to be someone or something that they really are not. And oh lord do I hope that I am not that. I so desperately never want to be that. I think I can say with some certainty that what you see is what you get with me. Sure, I filter things differently for different crowds and situations. I think that’s what a little maturity will get you. But for the most part, i am always me.

But the really hard part of that is this – who am i?

Should I not be still going through this at the age of thirtysomething?

I am either losing touch with my real self, which is some earlier representation of the me I am now…

or i am changing into the me I am meant to be.

I feel metamorphosisy.

My house is my coccoon, my pajamas are my chrysallis.

That’s some deep shizznit, man. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

But seriously.

Trust me about the sunscreen. – Mary Schmich

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Comments

  1. I have decided that every stage in life is a little bit different, building and changing on who I was in the past. I won’t even realize I am in a different stage, that I have grown up a bit, until I start mourning the old me. It is still there, just a little different now. Plus, should I be sad about missing the old me who was never really sure who I was in the first place.

    I like to know people aren’t all perfect. It makes me feel better about my own disfunction.

  2. I read your blog because it is one of the most amusing things I have ever read in my entire life. You make me laugh on a daily basis and occasionally cry (like your thoughts to Kealey on her first school day).
    I love the randomness, especially.

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