A small Piece of you.

Oh my baby girl. I miss you so much. I can see you right there in front of me. I can feel your warm skin and feel your chest go up/down, up/down as the machine forces air into and out of your chest. i can feel your heartbeat and i can lean down to your ear and tell you I love you and I’m so proud of you. I know you are in there. I know you hear me.

But I don’t have my Kennos. I haven’t heard your little voice in what seems like eons. I miss your 6 am wake up calls to me from your bed saying “mommy its time to open da cur-tens I sink it’s morning.” and me saying “no its just a light, still nigh-nighs go back to sleep”. I would not tell you to go back to sleep. I would come crawl into bed beside you and turn on Little Mermaid for the 983rd time and I would meet your demands for certain colored nee-nees and put your blankets just the way you like them.

I just miss you.

Kaylen told me on the phone through a tear-filled voice “mommy, kendall’s just my best friend and i miss her so much.”

Today is going to be hard on your sissies. It’s been hard on me and it’s been hard on your daddy and it’s been hard on poppa and meemaw too. It is not easy to see you laying there, completely paralyzed, letting machines do all the work, holding onto a week’s worth of fluid puffing you up to almost unrecognizable proportions. It is not easy to talk to you and get no response. So different from last time where you could mouth “mommy” to me through the drug induced coma. where you could  squeeze my finger if you heard my voice, where you could push away the prickly ball someone had brought in for you.

I just want a small piece of you, a token to put in my pocket,

and I will own that wild thing and that will make my happy.

I just want a small piece of you, something to put in a locket

and I would look at it daily and that would make me happy

Go on girl and see the world I hope you see it all

just please please please don’t forget to call.

 

Today after your sissies leave we will try to wean your paralytic a little bit. I am both overjoyed for this and scared for this. i want so desperately to see some sign from you that you are FIGHTING and you will take a breath above the vent. And yet I am horrified about the thought of you not doing it. Or feeling panicky. Or feeling scared of that tube down your throat. What do you see now, what do you feel, where are you floating? Oh baby please hear me that I don’t want you to be scared. i will be right here with you and i would take it all away in a heartbeat if i could. I would fight those bugs with my last dying breath for you I would take all that fluid and drown myself with it if i thought it would help you save you.

Oh how easily my tears come sometimes. I try to be so brave and strong and keep this space, your room, free of negative thoughts or words. I keep this place a place of Hope, where the Holy Spirit dwells to administer to you and to all who enter here to care for you. But sometimes, the worries and the stresses and the fears – yes i will admit it you have scared me to my core this week – they all catch up with me. And all it takes is one word from someone, or the “bad” alarms going off in the hallway for a little too long, or the room gets too quiet and dark and there come the tears. I know some of my friends will tell me that is good, the tears are good I have to let them come. But how can I cry for myself when you are the one fighting? So I will be strong for you. I will not let you wake up to a place of sadness.
you did not ask me for anything this time, before you floated away from me. I try to not take that as a bad sign. Tell me what you want baby girl because I will move mountains to make it happen. I know you were talking about a  Little Mermaid birthday party with daddy before the pain overtook you and you drifted off to wherever you go when you cannot handle what your little body throws at you. You want a little mermaid party? we will have one. you want your hair dyed red? That’s fine too. You just come back. I will be here and you will be here and we will cuddle and watch whatever you want as many times as you want it.

We all just miss you Kendall Quinns. I know you are where you need to be.  I know you are not here in this broken little body right now, but I know you will be back soon, as soon as your nap is over. You are such a special soul. Do you have any idea how many lives you are touching? Do you have any idea how powerful you are, even laying there paralyzed? you are bringing families together to pray, reconciling lives and friendships, showing people that God is still in the miracle business. YOU are doing that. I could not be more proud to be your mommy. I am so honored that I was picked for this purpose. you have a light that shines from within you that is drawing people in. Everyone just wants to see that beautiful smile again, baby cakes.

So go on and rest. You’ve fought one huge battle, surviving the last 48 hours. And now the battle to get your body healed begins.I will be right here. We have a whole army of Kendall Krew behind us. Be good for your sissies today please. Don’t scare them or make it harder for them. Send them your love in the way only you can.
Love you boo-boo.
Ugga-mugga and nose rubs.

love,

mommy.