This is kind of how I feel tonite.
Like I have the jitters a little bit about this upcoming week.
It’s not so much the fact that we will be flying in essentially a tin cigar with an engine on it, although I think that plays into it.
And it’s not even that we’ll be in a strange city for 2 and a half days by ourselves.
I think its just kind of the whole thing of it.
What this trip represents. Going searching for answers again. Or still. Depending on how you look at it. It was exactly one year ago yesterday that we were in Milwaukee hoping to find ANSWERS for Kendall. And one year later, here we are going to ANOTHER state, Another hospital, another doctor with another opinion. And really, I think we are doing the right thing. I think that Dr. G will have some very good direction for us at the very least.
But it’s hard.
It’s oh so hard to think about it all.
What if she DOES have the answer we have sought, but it’s not the one we want to hear? Will I have the strength to hear that all by myself without my rock of a husband and best friend to be sitting next to me? Will I have the strength to NOT get any answers and be back to wondering why/for how long my baby will need to have a mostly elemental formula diet pumped into her intestines instead of eating normal toddler things in normal toddler ways?
Oh there’s so much more but I don’t even know how to get it out of my heart and head and into words here. Plus they feel a little too vulnerable typed out here.
But I know that some of you who are blessed enough to have to deal with me on a day to day basis want to know why i am in such a funk. So this is my attempt to explain to you how my heart hurts. How every cell of my being is on edge for the weight of the journey we are about to embark on. How my head feels so clogged up with questions that I am shocked that it even remembers how to do its usual involuntary actions like breathing and digesting.
So please don’t take it personally dear friends and wonderful family. By this time next week, I will be in a much different, hopefully better, headspace. I will have a direction to set the navigational beacons in, and I will gather up the chicks and lead them towards that direction.
Thank you for sticking by me through it.
And now I need to go figure out how I am going to get kendall, all her medical equipment, me and at least one laptop on the plane and come in under our 40 lb cargo weight limit. Because the laptop and my makeup bag alone are about 10 lbs…
this should be fun!
(PS – I know some of you have so many questions about where we are going and why pittsburgh and why the small plane and what are we hoping to learn in this appointment – and I promise that I will get to that. Just not tonite! But feel free to leave any questions in the comments and I will do my best to answer them!)