But the fighter still remains.

In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade and he carries the reminders

of every glove that laid him low or cut him till he cried out, in his anger & his shame

“I am leaving, I am leaving….”

But the fighter still remains.

 

My baby – this fight has taken so much out of you.

I sit here tonight listening to you set off alarm after alarm in your utter and sheer exhaustion. I see it in your puffy little dark-circled eyes, and I sense it in the heavy way you lift your arms and I know…I just know.

You miss your sissies and you miss your own bed and you miss being at school with all your new friends and you just miss feeling “better”…I miss all of those things too. But mostly I miss them for you. If i could take all of this from you I would, in a heartbeat I would do it. But this is not how it works. YOU are the one with the story to tell my beautiful blue-eyed girl. YOU are the one who has grace and strength well beyond her years. YOU are the one who will be so mightily used by God…and YOU are the one who will teach us all about the important stuff of life, and how to live it fully.

It has been a long couple of weeks.IMG_7108

Our time in the “safe” walls of the picu is coming to an end. You are not quite out of the woods, but close enough to be home to finish getting better. You haven’t quite made “the flip” yet, but I have a feeling that this time it will be less dramatic than in times past. It will be a gradual returning of the strength you have lost, and the sparkle in your eyes. But it will return. I know it will. Because even after all these things have laid you low, the fighter in you still remains. And always will.

I have tried my best to fight for you this time…i hope I did a good enough job. I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you.

I hope you know that you are so very loved….not just by me, and daddy, and sissies. But by your grandmas and grandpas, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends…and perfect strangers around the world. All because you get up every day and you find something to smile about. You are amazing – do you know that?
I hope you know that you are so well equipped for this fight because of their prayers.

And because you are surrounded by an amazing team of nurses and doctors. You have made them all earn their keep this stay. you have taken their boxes and their textbooks and thrown them right out the windows in true Kendall fashion. But they have loved you and rejoiced with you and fought for you almost as fiercely as I do.
I know you are in so much pain baby, and I hope between me and your kickass nurses we can get you some relief soon. You fight so hard and it’s time for us to help give you a break from this fight for a little while. And then you can rest…and in a few days we will have you “better”. And then you can come home and fight there…

Sleep good my sweet baby girl. Rest well so you can fight more tomorrow~ Never stop fighting….
I’ll fight for you til my last dying breath~

I love you.

 

~mommy.

 

 

[Read more…]

Inspired.

So on this journey to blog every day, I realized I needed some kind of direction, or else it really would just be randomly putting words on the screen and confirming in everyone’s mind that i have lost mine. Which, i mean, maybe I have. But I’d like to at least keep the illusion going here on my blogspace as long as possible!

and then I stumbled across a list of prompts from an Instagram friend, and I loved her list, so I thought, ok good, i can do this. It can fit with the flow of what I already write about, and if there’s a day that I am stuck or need a jumping off point, I can use this list! So that’s what I did today. The prompt is to write about our Favorite Inspiring Quote. If you know me at all – you can probably guess this one from a mile away~

IMG_0004

From the classic movie “Shawshank Redemption” and based on the short story by Stephen King. It is so much more than just a quote to me – it is how i try to live my life. Like the characters in the movie, when life seems hopeless, there is always something to find Hope in. It comes in the unexpected, the small and quiet, the unbelievable. But it is always there.
this year, perhaps more than any other in my life, I have had to learn what a good thing hope really is. i have had to learn how closely hope and faith are intertwined. I have had moments where those two things were literally all that was left in me – hope, and faith. And neither were in very large supply.
Sitting in that hospital hallway, hearing the alarms sounding the bad news bad news bad news of my daughter’s respiratory status, feeling that crushing weight against my chest that my baby may not survive the next few hours, the next few minutes, feeling myself being sucked into the darkest vortex I have ever felt in my life – there was very little hope. But I had a little bit. I had hope that her fighting warrior spirit would serve her well in yet another battle. I had hope that the doctors in that room were doing every possible thing they could to keep her little heart beating, to keep her body and her spirit alive. I had hope that the God who has always held us in His hands would hold us still, and that He would work all things together for good. I had to hope. I did not have much, but I had some. Hope. And faith.

But that’s the good thing about them both – they multiply. Oh how they grow if you give them room. It is not easy to have hope in the face of scary circumstances.

in the movie, the hope theme is cycled throughout the movie. there is one scene in which Red tells Andy (the main character) “Hope is a dangerous thing – it’s got no room in a place like this.” Hope can be dangerous – it can lift you up to a place you may fall from and that fall may hurt and feel like it is killing you. But you must choose to hope anyways.

Because as Andy turns it around on Red at the end of the movie – “Hope is a good thing – maybe the best of things – and no good thing ever dies.” The very last lines of the movie leave us hearing Red’s thoughts on what he now hopes for, now that he has caught on to the goodness of hope – he hopes the pacific is as blue as it has been in his dreams, he hopes he finds his friend, he hopes, he hopes…
Do you? Do you have hope that every day holds something good? Do you have hope that bad situations will turn around? Do you have faith that the Author of Hope is holding you in His hands and wants to work goodness in your life? It is not easy. Believing like that, living like that – it’s a dangerous thing in this world.  But it does not mean it’s not worth it.

Hope.
when the doctors send you home to enjoy every second with your child because her days may be very numbered, you hope they are wrong.

when the medical bills pile up and there is not enough paycheck to go around, you hope that it works out somehow.

when the darkness of whatever you are facing threatens to swallow you – hope anyways.

Hope against all the odds.

Hope in spite of your circumstances.

Hope anyways.

Hope. Hope. Hope…

terra

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