I’m going to do this.
I’m going to pack all four of my babies into the car and we will drive down to where it’s warm and where there is sunshine and there are beaches and the ocean.
I am going to lose my mind, multiple times and in multiple ways, but i am going to do this.
I need to get Kendall to the ocean. I don’t know why. And the fact that i am so compelled to do this scares me a little. But I need to do this, to prove to me, to prove to her, to prove to i don’t even know who because we have nothing to prove – that she is capable of this. That her “things” do not define her or limit her.
I don’t have the money for this and the logistics of it are going to be insane. Packing her up for a trip to the hospital for the day for ivig is hard. Packing her up to go somewhere is exhausting. Packing her up for a trip like this is going to suck the last ounce of energy i have.Packing up the IV pumps, all her IV meds and fluids and tpn and extra tubing, the oxygen concentrator and pulse ox and blood pressure machine and all the other meds and supplies that make up Atkinson General Hospital into the car…i am tired just thinking about it. But i will do it. I will do it for her and i will do it for all my babies and i will do it for me.
I need to watch her splash in those waves and build sand castles with her sisters and be a regular little kid. Because sometimes your friends’ kids get cancer and sometimes good moms die way too young and sometimes really bad things happen and they sneak up on you and you can’t sit around and wait for some perfect time or perfect life to finally feel happy – you have to go out and MAKE your happiness come, find your happiness.
Find it in the laughter coming from the back seat or the way your babies sing along to all your favorite songs in the car because it’s all they’ve ever heard and find it in the simple joys of just being able to sit down at the table together and enjoy a meal. Find happiness in the way it feels to hug and hold your kids tight – no matter what else they’ve done or said that day.
My happiness is here, and my happiness will be even more when i see all of my girls enjoying the fruits of the hard work it’s going to be to get to the beach.
I have been walking through the dark stretch of highway that your life detours onto when your baby gets sick sick. Like organs failing, life support keeping the barest definition of life pumping through veins, are they gonna make it kind of sick. And it is bringing so many feelings flooding back. I am glad to be able to offer some support – because really how do you support someone through this? You can’t. There are no magic words or magic pills you can give someone who is standing bedside holding their babies lifeless little puffy hand to make it “better”. All you can do is say “you will be ok, she will be ok” – and then pray with every ounce of strength and faith you possess that it’s true. It brings back all those memories my brain has filed away of the hours laying on the cold floor of the ICU family area, my own bile dripping out of my mouth and onto the floor but not caring because every single cell of my body was screaming for her to come back to me, for that damn code alarm to stop blaring, for people to stop yelling orders out of her room to the people waiting outside the room with meds and machines and things to help keep my baby alive. Those feelings well up as this heave of sobs and tears i have to stifle back down because we are not there, that was then and this is now and now, today, I have my baby girl here. Running around this morning packing random stuff into her princess purse to take to school because of course we need to take three easy clip dresses for polly pocket Elsa and yogurt and a special spoon and two hairbands and five broken crayons to that place we are supposed to be sitting and learning!!!
And I look at her and I am amazed at her strength and resilience. And this is how i know what “amazing” really means. This is how i know what life really means, what it’s all about.
And that’s how i know this trip will all work out somehow. I will get them all to the beach and i will soak up every single little moment of that gloriousness.
And i will hug them all so tight and will tell them all how amazing they are.
That’s about all i have to say about that today. The tears are too close to the surface and i have too much crap to do to sit here crying.
Just – don’t take your life for granted, ok? Find something – no matter how small you have to start with – and focus on how grateful you are for that thing, how happy that one thing can make you. Don’t hold grudges. Tell someone that you love them or that you’re sorry or that you forgive them even if the apology hasn’t come and hug your babies no matter how frustrated you are right now.
This life, it’s so awesome and you never know what direction it’s going to head in.
Pack the car up and crank the music and drive to your happy place.
Peace out party people~