I am writing again. I am finding my voice again.
And it took me a while to even realize how intertwined those two things are.
I am realizing and learning a lot these days.
It is late on a Tuesday but in an attempt to convince myself that i actually did blog every day in May, i am trying to backdate posts and fill in all the empty spots on the calendar. I do this to myself at least twice a year it seems like. I guess this is just the way it goes with me and my writing. Someday I’ll be great about sitting down, writing, hitting publish, and going on about my day as an accomplished adult. That someday will probably not come until all my precious cherubs are on their own. And possibly not even then, because I think i’ll be one of those little old ladies who tours the country in my RV, but maybe i’ll get a hotspot for my RV so i can sit and post from little roadside cafes and be accomplished on the road.
Anyways, the point being that I’m learning a lot. I think i’ve mentioned that a time or two. And sometimes when i get an epiphany moment I think “i should blog this”. But then I stop myself because i’m like – wait, what if everyone already knows that, and i’m just finally catching up to this game of adult life because i spent so many years struggling to keep my head above the rocky waters of my marriage and 4 kids and living like a zombie between hospital stays and doctors appointments and dance competitions? What if i should have known all this stuff all along? What if this is like me running into a college classroom going “guys!! I’ve figured it out! A-B-C-D-E-F-G is ALSO twinkle twinkle little star~!!!!!” And then everyone just starts laughing at me and making fun of me?
But maybe i’m not alone in this.
Maybe there’s others out there who are literally just learning for the first time that it’s ok to say no to things that you don’t like. That it’s ok to send food back at a restaurant if it’s not actually what you ordered or if it’s not cooked well. That setting boundaries around your own self is actually the best way you can love yourself, and that when you learn to love who you are, you show up for the world in this whole new way that feels like maybe that’s why God put you here on this earth. Maybe there’s others out there learning that it’s ok to feel worthy of their dreams, no matter how big they seem to be.
I hope that even though it took me 42 years to learn these lessons, that maybe i’m cutting down that learning time for my girls. Maybe i’m imparting to them some tough lessons that won’t be as tough because i’ve softened the blow somehow through my example. I hope so. I hope that if anything good comes from the past few years of gut-wrenching, body-shaking-sobs in the shower, “will i ever stop hurting” pain that it’s this: that my girls will know they are beautiful and strong and confident and capable and worth it. That they will stand up for themselves at the first sign of something not being right, and that they won’t ever let anyone or anything make them lose their voice.
I’m learning to remember all that~
and that’s how I’m finding my voice again.
T.