Turtles with Tails are Bad.

That is my public service announcement for the day.

But the way that I found this out – oh my gosh, one of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed in a long time. And I see a LOT of funny stuff every day!

so, my mom and I are driving down Weber after picking up pizza for dinner. Mistake #1. For those not local enough to appreciate the absolutely effed up stretch of former asphalt that is Weber Road, let me just say, on a GOOD day it makes you want to stab your eyeballs out with a dull spoon. Right now it is all ripped up while they re-pave. Except they’re not actually re-paving it yet, they’re just moving orange barrels around in a random pattern every day, clogging up an already clogged up road even further. I tell you all this so that you understand how PAINFULLY SLOW traffic was parked which is what allowed me to see the poor turtle in the middle of the road.

So I tell my mom to hurry up and get out of the car and pick up the turtle (I actually thought it was a frog). She hops out and leaves her door open to find the amphibious creature, when we actually start crawling forward. She bends down JUST as her open door is about to whack her in the head. I am sure the people behind us were fully convinced they were on Candid Camera because it had to be a hilarious sight to see. So she gets it in the car and we start looking at it going – what IS that? Because while it had a hard shell on its back, it was squatty and fat like a toad. Then it started peeing. And the pee REEKED like all manner of decaying things.

So my mom is screaming which is making me scream and this turtle is like hissing at us and trying to crawl across the dashboard (where my mom threw it when she started screaming) and i am screaming at her to catch it catch it and she is screaming that she can’t and that she is going to puke from the smell/stench of the turtle-thing pee and that i better clean her car out.

anyways – i thought the girls would like to see it, and we were almost home, so she played lion tamer on the turtle with two sheets of paper, which made him even more pissed off. which made him…..you know…piss. more. stinkily.

We carry the turtle up the front steps proudly and call the girls out to see it and my dad real nice and calm-like is all “That’s really not the kind of turtle you wanna be holding on to Mary Jane….” and we’re all “why? its cute! it’s a baby! It even still has its tail!!!” And the girls are all “I wanna see it! Let me hold it!” And my dad says “well yeah, that cute little tail is how you know its a snapper”. My mom resumed with the screaming and flings it off the porch into the bushes.

So now we have a snapping turtle living in our front yard. I am quite sure Ben will appreciate this as he tries to do yard work this weekend. It keeps things exciting.

anyways – i continued to laugh about this scenario well into the wee hours of the morning yesterday. I just wanted to share it here. In case it makes you laugh too.

and plus, you know, to tell you the important info that turtles with tails are bad.

you’re welcome!

Terra the Turtle Whisperer

           La Tortuga