I say this a lot – but I struggle with where and how to start in on the last few years of “me”. My story.
And in talking with a friend who has always had a good way of just seeing things for what they are, she said – just start with where you are, and the rest will fill itself in as needed.
So here I am – right where I’m at.
Somehow in the middle of this life that has turned from stressful hard things every which way I turned, into this amazing beautiful thing that I’m excited to wake up and face each day! I am (frantically) planning a road trip the beaches of Outer Banks for me and my beautiful baby girls in a few weeks on their spring break, and a few weeks after that a celebratory trip to an exotic beach locale , the kind of trip/adventure I knew I needed to take once my divorce was coming to finalization. So much excitement and hope and happiness surrounding me and I hardly know how to deal with it.
I find myself a little hesitant to lean into this happiness. To trust that good things really are happening, in spite of my pleas for such a thing to happen. I feel like that other shoe will inevitably drop and I am trying desperately to NOT think that because I want to bask in, soak in, absorb all this GOOD energy so that I am tuned to see more happiness than heartache.
So here’s where else I am – researching the heck out of “how to lose 67 pounds in 39 days” so that I have a sense of confidence of myself in a bathing suit on my trip in April. Buying lemons and ginger and cayenne pepper in bulk because I am pretty sure that there is some magical combo thereof that will melt these stubborn pounds off my frame. Yes I know there’s a slow and steady way to lose weight. Clearly that plan hasn’t worked out real well for me. No I’m not going to do or consume anything dangerous. Unpleasant and uncomfortable, probably. But not dangerous. And I’m doing it FOR YOU! Because if I can get results with these random pinterest-fueled recipes for detox and liver cleansing, then you can too! And I’ll tell you which ones work! And probably make you laugh in the meantime!
Seriously – disclaimer for all my well-meaning beautiful readers who take my words as gospel truth – I promise you I am not trying to really lose that much weight in a short time. I have a LOT of extra pounds on me, and I am learning that some(most) of that is the insular emotional weight I wrapped myself in as my life was falling apart around me over the past few years. It is the symptom of days/weeks/months on end of carrying my stress in engorged fat cells and an adrenal gland crisis caused by living in an emotional war zone in my own head and heart. I did this to myself and I’m going to UNDO it to myself. For myself. And I’m EXCITED to start on this journey. I need to start on this journey.
My insides, my heart, my soul, the very core essence of who I am – is undergoing massive and awesome transformation. I am learning so much about myself and growing as a human in ways I never thought possible. And I am ready for my outside appearance to also take on a change and transformation in order to be an expression of the hard work I’m doing.
I am here. Just right here.
And it feels good, and right and peaceful. My adrenal glands are so grateful for the break they are finally getting. My face is rather getting used to smiling so much again. I am not fully emerged from this cave, but I can see the faintest light up ahead, and it fills me with hope and happiness. I am getting there. I am here…but I am getting there.
I have come back to this post a few times, just because such is the chaos of most of my days, so it feels a little jumbled. But I think it’s time to hit post. It just feels like a really good morning to get started on this leg of this new journey. I have so much to do to prepare for our trip later this week, and I kinda want to blog about that stuff. Fun stuff. New stuff. So here it is – where I’m at. I’m so so so grateful for those of you who have been in my tribe the past few years. For the phone calls, texts, letters, cards, facebook posts to check on me. For the cake and coke and cookies dropped off on my doorstep and the love, oh so much love, sent to me from miles away. You guys are amazing~ you are my ambassadors of Kwan. I am blessed, so very blessed. This humbles me as I look back on the often dark and scary journey I’ve taken to get to here. As dark and lonely and hard as some of those days were, I was never really truly alone. Oh it felt like it a lot of times. I felt utterly buried, alone, forgotten. I forgot about myself even. But I’m learning that that dark pressing hardness was being planted, not buried. Pushed deep into the earth in order to grow my roots stronger. And to someday, bloom as the person I was meant to be all along. First the pain, then the waiting, then the rising.
And right now, the procrastinating. THAT I am really good at.
I cannot even wrap my mind fully around the amount of laundry and packing I am needing to do in the next four days…but you know what? I’m gonna get it done anyways. Cause that’s just how we do around here. So i’ll be back in between running intense loads of laundry and trying to follow my 927 pinterest pins on “packing efficiently for a road trip in one carryon for 8 people plus snack ideas that are the most extra ever”.
Peace out Party People~
T