Oh joy.

I am not quite willing to admit defeat yet, but i may not be able to hold out much longer.

woke up to a very noodley, flushy, queasy Karissa on the couch. Fever wasn’t too high, and she claims she vomited when i was out at the bus stop with kealey, but having not seen it myself, I am not sure what constitutes “frow-ing up”. So, since she kept some cereal down mid-morning, and the fever was jumping around from normal up into the low 100 range, I sent her to school. She came home from school a little low-key, claiming to be freezing, but wanting to go to dance class. Made it through dance class, came home noodley again, and proceeded to just lay on the couch, this time with a slightly higher fever. But she’s freezing. So i dressed her in two layers and put her to bed with lots of towels around her bed!

So i think we dodged the bullet today, but i have a feeling it will hit tomorrow. IF we make it through the nite. Which i am not holding out tons of hope for yet.

So far Kendall seems to be doing ok. No bile drainage (which we usually have by this point after vax), maybe slightly more tired than usual, pretty pale/off-colored today – all of which could mean anything or nothing. I’m firmly in the “watch and see” camp with her. Kaylen was even more hurricane-ish than normal today, including needing to be spanked AND take two time outs – AT THERAPY!!! WHY must she act out in front of therapists??? They’re going to question my parenting ability!  *sigh* At least Kealey is her usual stoic, strong, helper-girl self. Don’t know what I’d do without that kid. She’s gotten into doing Sudoku puzzles with Ben, and is reading a James Patterson book. (yes one we have both read and approved). She’s just such an awesome kid and i cannot believe how big she is getting.

I am feeling…behind. on pretty much every aspect of life. i don’t know if its that my lists/goals are too ambitious, or if i am just not utilizing my time well. or maybe, as i am told about 39 times a week, i am just being ridiculous to expect that I will be any kind of productive with four young children, 17 appointments, 2 jobs, and more chaos than most people cram into a lifetime. But i don’t know if i believe that. I SHOULD be able to do it. I SHOULD be able to keep up, right? I think i am walking a dangerous line, too close to introspection. I think I’ve been maybe dealing with “grief” over losing my hopes for a “normal” baby. I know i’ve talked about it before. I do’nt want to get too much into it here and now, cause I hate things that make me think and feel sad. But yeah, that’s kind of where I am. Continuing to adjust to what life is like now, this new definition of normal.

so – enough of that pity party for tonite. i am finally tired and have a bad suspicion that i’ll be up at least once with at least one kid sometime tonite!

i pray that health is still upon all of you and your families!

terra