How i am.

This might be one of those really raw, rough posts to read. I’m kind of an emotional mess and I don’t really have a filter right now. So very many of you have asked how i’m doing this past week. Every time the nurse or care partner comes in, they ask “how are you mom, you need anything?”
and my answers are always the same – I’m good. Kendall’s good so i’m good.
When what I really want to say is….

Actually i’m horrible.

I need a shower. A real shower. a Really Long Really Hot shower complete with a non-dull razor that got stuck in my hospital bag and real non-hotel sample shampoo and conditioner. I got a quick one the other day when i was home for a few hours – but it was rushed because i was trying to cram a weekend worth of fun into a couple hours.  After i shower I need a pedicure. And a manicure. And a fluffy white bathrobe. And a huge glass of wine. I need to not have a care in the world for four hours while i’m thusly pampered.
I need a massage – but my back hurts too bad to ever get one, so I’ve never had one. Ask my chiropractor who just about gets kicked in the head every time he presses too hard when trying to give me an adjustment. And I also probably need an adjustment badly after a week on the boxes of bliss. I need good sleep. for hours.  I need to be on a beach somewhere warm. I need to have a really good breakdown cry, the kind where your eyes are so puffy the skin hurts, and then i need to laugh so hard my sides hurt.

I need a hug. Just a really good hug.

I need a good blowout and to get my hair recolored for fall. (yes NEED!)
I need to stop drinking cokes and eating nutella nilla wafers like it’s my job.

I need a job.

I need to feel like I’m doing a good job for my other three girlies, being the mommy they need.

I need to know my baby is getting really truly better….not just “out of shock”….but really recovering from this nasty bug that’s taken her down.  I need to feel like it is ok and safe to bring her home and complete her care and recovery there.

And then that makes me think of the hot mess i left the house in….and i need Alice from the Brady Bunch to work her magic on the laundry/dishes/crap we left out….(but i must insert a huge shout out of thanks here to my BFF who realized that the ice cream dishes in the sink were probably going to cause some MAJOR funk if left all week so she washed them by hand. Thank you my beautiful friend!)

I need a break. I just want a break.

But this is all coming from a place of exhaustion you understand….not just physical tiredness, but the kind of exhaustion that seeps into your bones and makes you feel like gravity has double the effect on you. It is not just that my physical body is tired, but my physical body literally ACHES from carrying the stress of this past week. My mind hurts from trying to analyze her labs and remember them off the top of my head and make this numerical information make some kind of sense so i can help my baby feel better. My heart hurts from watching her suffer so greatly this past week, to the point where even her stoic little self is just absolutely DONE with feeling so crappy. My soul hurts from the hard conversations i’ve had to have with some of her doctors who i have come to respect and love so much. Everything just aches….and it makes me tired.

So i guess that’s how i am doing, if you want to know the truth of it. I am tired, exhausted, worn out and doing my best to stay positive and keep my head above water. I’m sure i’ll be better tomorrow or the day after that, as we see kendall hopefully start to make that turn around the bend and come back towards “being better”. I know that she will…i’ve not given up hope. I’m just admitting to my own humanity, my own inability to always keep it all together. I know there are so many prayers being said on our behalf, and for that i am so grateful. So many of you have made sure i was eating real non-window-sill food and i cannot thank you enough for that either. Your tangible acts of love and support are SO SO SO very appreciated and i am sorry that i have not been able to properly keep up with thank yous.. I hope you know that i am beyond grateful to each of you though.

I’ll write a happier update later today I am sure.

Thanks for listening to my whiney rant.

and thanks for loving me in spite of it.

keep on keepin on.

<3,

me.