No I do not have a concussion. i don’t think…
anyways. I wanna take you back six years ago to this date.
See, this was my last day on earth as just me. As a singular identity, a sole proprietorship if you will. A little over 24 hours from this time on that date 6 years ago, a little part of me died, and was reborn in the spirit that is Kealey Grace-Elisabeth. A little part of me was birthed into this other human, this little person, this tiny, wriggly, red wailing mess of emotions and dependency. And forever i was changed. I was no longer just "Terra" – wife, daughter, sister, friend. No I became SO much more than that, and yet became the most elementary simplistic of things – momma.
Six years ago on this day, I was 41 weeks pregnant, tipping the scales at some unheard of weight, slowly becoming pre-eclamptic, and in general – MISERABLE. I was convinced I would be pregnant forever. It hurt to lay down, it hurt to sit down, it hurt to stand up, it hurt to drive, think, eat, move – LIVE. We went in for our 41 week midwife appointment, where I remember trying to peek in my chart to see if this baby was a boy or a girl.("WE" had decided to let it be a surprise. but i was sick and tired of surprises. like the surprise of having my baby be a week late. Enough surprises. i want facts.) Anyways – the midwife came in, gave me THE MOST PAINFUL internal exam ever, pronounced me "softening, but only a fingertip dilated". I was disheartened. She said – "see you next week!!" I about died. I went back to work, where I had taken to the habit of sitting on a large birthing ball instead of my desk chair because of all the pain and pressure. I was IM’ing with my good friend Mia and kept telling her the baby was REALLY kicking hard and making my whole uterus cramp up. She quickly realized (being a mom of 4 herself) that it was contractions I was feeling and started timing them. I continued to work – working a 12 hour day that day, and finally heading for home around 6:30 pm. My contractions had steadily increased all day and had been solidly at 8 minutes apart for about three hours prior to me leaving work. I still didn’t think much of it, but it was starting to get kind of painful. I went home, woke Ben up for some home made dinner (cereal, my specialty), and then we watched a movie before he had to leave for work. (He was working the beautifully fun midnite shift at that point). I remember sleeping VERY fitfully that nite, and just having the most horrific cramplike pains all nite. STILL didn’t think I was in labor.
The morning of the 27th I got up and did my hair (cause, you know, its important to look cute when giving birth), met my mom and sister at the house where my mom worked at babysitting kids, and was quickly shuffled off home to call ben and wait for him.
The rest of the day is somewhat a blur. I think contractions started happenin faster and stronger. I will just never forget that moment when they laid this little slimy squirmy thing on my chest and ben leaned over and said – "you’re a momma jenny" (you’d have to have seen forrest gump to get that cause no he wasn’t mistaking me for his girlfriend named jenny).
and there i was. I had looked death in the eye, and won the right to bring forth a new life. I remember crying and crying and crying some more. SO completely amazed that I had just done that – that she had come from me.
And so I embarked on one of the most amazing journeys I have ever taken. I have been confronted with some of my deepest darkest fears being a mother – fearing the loss of my child, wondering how i would ever survive without any of them, hoping that i am not warping their minds too bad. But i have also experienced some of the highest highs in my life being a mom too. How can you put into words the love and elation and joy you derive from your children? You can’t.
All I know is that it changed my life forever.
so while some may celebrate mother’s day in May, tomorrow is my mother’s day. Today is the 6year anniversary of the death of my sanity. But tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of the birth of my new self, my other self, my baby girl.
I hope its a good one baby.
love
mommy.
Sheer Poetry. (single tear)