Some days, I get a brief moment to pause and reflect on all of the life I’ve lived.
I recently had a birthday.
My 43rd.
43 trips around the sun. Man…that’s a lot of living.
Some days I feel like I’m still that 10 year old with the horrible perm (on top of already curly hair…yikes.) Some days I’m still that gawky 15 year old who is stuck between her childhood and “growing up”. Some days i’m that new mom learning the bone weary exhaustion of pacing cold floors with fussy babies who refuse to sleep and feeling like i was so utterly desperately alone.
i feel sometimes like i’ve lived multiple lifetimes in just this one.
Each year a different chapter of one crazy, adventure filled, pretty hilarious book i call life.
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I’ve spent the better part of this month working on A Home Refinance.
This is easily the adultiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. i don’t like it.
0 / 10 would not recommend to a friend.
There’s these crazy people called “underwriters” who want you to provide 7 viable eggs from your fallopian tubes, the hair from the underarms of your firstborn child, your 3rd grade transcripts, your college professor’s eye color, Baby Jesus’ tears, one dragon scale, and every financial document you’ve ever even touched in your entire life. I mean, just when you think you’ve completed this list, they ask for exactly 78 jellybeans in blue raspberry flavor and your deceased relatives last known location. AND THEY STILL AREN’T DONE.
the amount of stress, annoyance, grief, tears, sweat, and fleeting moments of elation when i think we just might pull this off….no one human should have to endure this range of emotion in one month. I did not willingly put myself through this torture. it was a requirement of my divorce that i knew was going to come down the pipe at one point or another, and knowing myself the way i do, I realized if i continued to procrastinate that i would be in some serious trouble. I think we are actually kind of maybe hopefully going to get this done by the 31st and it will not be too soon. I am tired of the brainpower and willpower this is sucking from my life, BUT…..
But when i stop and think about it… I’m actually really really really proud of myself.
I am going to DO this. I am doing this – for me, and for my babies. They deserved to keep this house that is all they’ve ever known, and i am doing this for them. I am doing this to prove to myself that i can do hard things. i am doing this because it’s closing time on this chapter of life.
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Closing time is the title of an awesome 90’s song by a band called SemiSonic. A line in it has replayed over and over and over again these past few years:
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
You can’t start a new chapter until you finish the last one.
So even though this is really hard, and even though I hate endings, and even though i have wanted to quit throughout almost this entire process, I am keeping on. Because it’s closing time on that chapter, and it’s time to open the new one.
i don’t know what the new one holds, but I do know it’s gonna be awesome.
It’s gonna be mine.
It’s gonna be ours.
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I wrote a book last month. It wasn’t the kind of thing most people will read. And I only ghostwrote it as part of my job. But I learned so much from the process. Mainly that i CAN write a book, and a pretty good one at that. It pumped me up for the plans I have for my book, the one i’m going to be writing (well actually there are about 5 different ones I hope to write eventually), and the one that will someday be on a table front and center in Barnes and Nobles. (see what i did there? I just told you a really really big dream i’ve held sacred for a long time. I don’t know why i’ve struggled so much in the past to name and claim my dreams, but again, that chapter is ending. Have you ever been there? where a dream is almost scary it’s so big?)
I’ve been seeing a ton of butterflies lately. Maybe there’s just more of them around this summer. Maybe i’m just noticing them more. Or Maybe….just maybe…..they are around to let me know that my cocoon time is ending too, and soon I will have my wings. I like to think it’s the last one.
So yeah. Closing Time.
We’ll be re-opening very soon.