When did she get so big?

I sat there with her today, sitting on the hugely tall stools at our McDonalds, looking at her beaming ear-to-ear grin, chatting excitedly about all that she had done and seen at preschool, and suddenly tears filled my eyes. When did she get so big? She’s always been my chunk-a-love baby.

But suddenly her legs are too long for her pants and she has this “featheryness” to her when I pick her up to give her a big hug. And she’s talking about her new friends and dancing in ballerina class and is just most definitely FOUR. (at the current moment she is sitting here stomping her foot at me that I’m mean cause I yelled at her to stop fighting with her sisters. oh the drama…)

And as much as I know that time goes fast, and I try to spend time with just her – seeing her today go to school was just such a heart-stabbing moment.

this beautiful crazy make-me-lose-my-mind loving laughing hilarious little girl – she’s amazing.

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She was 15 months old when Kendall was born. We have this picture of her sliding around the room on the placenta bowl cart while we were all gathered around the bed to take one quick peek at kendall before they took her to the NICU. That picture sums up her personality so well. Just keep playing. When life is crazy around you – just keep playing. Keep laughing. Keep making messes cause at least it will get you SOME attention.

she went from being my baby to being just one more thing I had to do in any given day. She had to learn at an early age how to figure things out for herself because once Kendall was here there just wasn’t much left of me to be a MOMMY, I had to be a nurse/doctor/therapist/medical biller/insurance specialist. And she’s just stubborn enough to have figured it out. And she’s still figuring it out.

And I know she’ll always keep on figuring it out.

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This kid – she’s gonna go places. She’s gonna keep on playing and keep on smiling and keep on making you laugh til your sides hurt because that’s who she is.

I used to worry that maybe these early years have been somehow detrimental to her. That maybe always being shoved to the background, playing second fiddle to a sister who gets a LOT of attention, having therapists come “play” with her sister with a great big bag of shiny fun toys while she has to sit in the other room with mommy, witnessing medical procedures that cause screams of pain from her sister while she is supposed to sit quietly in the TV room – I worried that all of these things would warp her somehow. Make her different from her peers. And I realized today, seeing this beautiful little girl before me, that they have. But not in any bad way.

They’ve made her stronger. They’ve made her resilient. They’ve given her strength and wings far beyond IMG_2691 what I could ever hope to do as a mom. As i’ve read stories about other moms having to deal with their preschoolers crying and clinging to their leg at preschool dropoff, my amazing little trooper marched right into that big room full of strangers and picked out a friendly face to start playing with.  Cause that’s just who she is. Independent. Strong. Stubborn. Friendly. Awesome. Everything I could ever hope or dream for her – she is.

Someday Kaylen – I may be able to tell you that I am sorry for all you’ve endured these last couple years. I’m sorry that some nites I was so worn out from all the medical things it takes to put your sister in bed that I didn’t have time or energy to sit and read you books and tuck you in. I’m sorry for all the times you’ve been shoved aside as we dealt with yet another Kendall emergency. I’m sorry for all the times you’ve spent schlepping up to hospitals and sat in waiting rooms and ER’s and doctors offices instead of playing.

But I’m NOT sorry for who those things have turned you out to be.

You are beautiful and amazing and strong – and I’m so glad I’m your momma.

Hope you have a WONDERFUL time at preschool, baby budget. You’re gonna rock that preschool’s world.

I love you.IMG_2693

 

mommy.

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Comments

  1. again I am bawling.  I love you all too.  and yes Kaylen is one amazing beautiful blossoming girl.  Thank you God for her unbelievable life and independance.

    • oh don’t cry! it’s supposed to be good! but i did tear up a little bit myself in the mcdonald’s. Until she started with the foot stomping bit. Good feelings gone.

    • Thanks for reading Kristi! And yes – being a blubbering idiot is definitely part of the whole mom thing. I hope you are feeling better this week! I still need to go get a john wayne…

  2. Love it! Absolutely love it. My prayer is always that having a special needs sister makes my other girls grow emotionally and teach them things like compassion, patience and the sacrifice of love. You are a great Momma, Terra!

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