The Real Answer.

The real answer to all of the questions is “I don’t know.”

How are things going? I don’t know.

How is Kendall doing? I don’t know.

How long is she going to be on TPN? I don’t know.

How am I holding up? I REALLY don’t know.

I tend to not update a lot when I am feeling overwhelmed. Or like the info I WOULD post is just more of the same “not-knowingness”. Cause sometimes – its just not all sunshine and roses. And I really really really hate to be depressing. Or depressed. Or to feel like I am not focusing on the many hundreds of amazing blessings that really ARE a part of our lives every day. But for whatever reason, I feel compelled to share the true feelings on my heart. So consider yourselves warned – if you are looking for the sunshine and roses version of Terra Talking, check back in a few more days.

It has been nothing short of a hellacious month (or so). I am feeling like the farther removed we get from our hospital stint, the more I realize how very horrible it all was. I think I was operating on some kind of auto-pilot, a self-preservation mode, at the time. And now the fallout is happening. I held it all together when it HAD To All Be Alright. But the glue is starting to not hold up as well any more and the seams are getting leaky and most of the time I feel like I am one sad song away from the floodgates opening and the tears flowing and the pent up emotions of the past few weeks rushing out in a huge horrible ugly cry breakdown. I can feel it sitting in my shoulders, and crushing my lungs (which do NOT need any help in the crappy breathing department), and pulling down my eyelids. And the warm covers in the morning are so inviting, beckoning me to stay there, and just not have to DEAL with any of it. And this is part of why I stay up so late at nite. Because once I am asleep my dreams haunt me with horrible images. Or I am jolted awake by a phantom alarm signaling impending doom (only to rush into her room and realize all is fine and there never was an alarm). And once I am there, in that warm dark place, it tries to suck me in…

It was so very easy to pretend like she wasn’t THAT sick when we were going through it. There were things so horrible to witness that I couldn’t even blog about them. I couldn’t even acknowledge them, until one rare nite when Ben was home and we were home and we were sleeping in the same bed together and in the dark I asked him if he was ever scared for Kendall…because I wanted his usual reassurance that I was just overanalyzing things and she was always ok….and his answer was slow in coming, in a cracking voice as he told me that he was so afraid he was going to have to call me to say she was gone. I read an interesting statistic somewhere about yeast sepsis (one of the myriad problems Kendall had during the first admission). I have no idea how scientific it is – but I read that yeast sepsis has only a 50% survival rate. You either live…or you don’t.

So how can I be sad about this? She won. She beat the odds. She told the odds where to shove it. Cause that’s just Kendall. She fights in the hardest way she knows how against so many odds stacked against her. She is amazing. She is a fighter. She is a miracle. but you all know that. It’s part of why you come here, hoping for a new update. Praying for her as so many of you faithfully do. Donating your time or a gift card or some of your hard earned money in an effort to DO something for her story. And please know how extremely grateful we are for every single one of you who do things – seemingly small – and yet making SUCH a large difference in our lives.

So really – what DO I have to complain about?

Nothing.

Which is part of why I HATE feeling this way. But I will be ok. I think maybe I just need some really really really good sleep. I need to not be afraid of the dark, or of sleeping too hard. I need to know that my falling asleep is not a recipe for disaster occurring in my baby’s body or in our house.

To those of you who have walked this journey ahead of me and are now helping to hold my hand through it – thank you.

To those of you who have NO IDEA what to say to me – but say something anyways – thank you.

To those of you who read and leave comments here, or on facebook – i read EVERY SINGLE ONE of them and they help me feel better, supported, loved – so thank you.

Strangely – it feels better to get this all off my chest. So thanks for trudging through it. Hopefully we are back to your regularly scheduled Terra Talking program soon.

As a way of a quick update on the K’s – Kealey is being her usual brave soldier self, Karissa is having trouble in school just concentrating/being too tired and I think she has caught this Typhoid Mary virus AGAIN which is just zapping her, Kaylen is actually being a sweetheart but is very Anti-Nap lately, and Kendall is hanging in there. Getting her strength back, trying to do the “hot dog dance” from the end of her hot-gog show (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse), slowly getting a miniscule appetite back, gearing up for more fun testing/appts on Thursday back up in milwaukee, and revealing some of her secrets to us with today’s labs hopefully. She has been able to wean off the narcotics (I love that my 2 year old has to detox off pain meds!), but her leg still bothers her where they cut her muscle out of the top of her thigh. She is doing well on the TPN still, and we are slowly bumping her J-tube feeds slowly but surely. This doesn’t happen without incident, which I will spare you the gory details of, but onward and upward we go!

Anyways – it’s almost time to do preschool pickup. Thanks for listening. I really do feel better.

hugs and kisses –

 

The T.

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Comments

  1. I will listen and listen and listen and listen some more. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Your family is so loved by us.

  2. Thinking of you often…I can’t imagine how scary that time was for you. I think you are spot on…our minds protect us from the horror of difficult situations by going on auto pilot. Glad to hear things are looking better…prayers for that sweet girl. AND for your whole family!

    We should have a good old fashioned chat soon…
    Mama M. talked about…ProgressLife without Nukkie

  3. I read every post, I cry and pray..I wish I knew what to say..but I do not..but I do have lots of hugs and love and prayers for you guys!..You are a very strong woman…

  4. It’s okay to not be strong sometimes. To just cry.

    You have this amazing ability to just KEEP GOING, which is more inspiring than I can say. But in these moments when it’s safe to just let go…you can. We’ll hold the rope and not let you fall into the abyss permanently.
    Llama Momma talked about…nachos from heaven

  5. Crying can be SO healing, it’s ok to just fall apart (and why can I say that to you, but not allow myself to do it?). Thank you for sharing the hard parts too…and for being someone who can hold MY hand. Kendall is in my daily prayers and so are you and your whole family. Tons of love and hugs, and I will always read and listen. Heather

  6. I completely understand how you feel. Often there just isn’t much else to say, when it’s just more of the same. And yes, you do go into an auto-pilot mode when it’s a time of crisis. That’s what I do as well. When Kira was in the hospital a year ago, it wasn’t until a few days after she was at her worst that the nurses told us who scared they even were. You just can’t think about those things during the middle of it all.

    I think of you guys often and how much you do for Kendall and all of your kids! You two do an amazing job as a team and keeping things together when they need to be. That’s the important part. I’m just glad that you have some wonderful friends who are there to support you and help you with so many aspects of your life. That’s the one thing I miss. I had some friends, but then as things got worse, they drifted away. But we keep going, doing what we do, and keep those who do care in our life.

    I hope that you can have some more peaceful times ahead of you guys! (((HUGS)))

  7. I read every blog that you post… Or I get my updates from Diane… I have to say Terra you are amazing… THe strengh that you have to keep everything going, is beyond anyone I know… So, if you need to cry and have a break down, it is ok … Payton and I say are prayers nightly and Kendall and the rest of the family are in them always… Your an awsome MOMMY!!! Love to you all!! Tricia

  8. Continuing to pray….knowing a tiny piece of this pain you speak of….wishing there was more to do to support you through it. Lets have our date soon!

  9. I can’t believe you haven’t actually had a good cry yet actually! Honey- let it out! You’ve been through something that the vast majority of people wouldn’t even be able to think about let alone face. You have every right in the world to be scared, to be sad, and even to be depressed for a while. We love ya!

  10. Oh Terra. How I love you. “Jesus, be with my friend. In the dark, shine Your light. In the face of her fear, bring her peace. Be her comfort. Be her strength. Be her everything, I pray in Your precious and Holy name. Amen.” Jesus says to you, sweet thing, in John 14:27 NLT version, “I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” Bursting through the darkness with you!

  11. Praying for one small moment of joy for you today–to bring a smile to your heart, bring you love, and let you forget–if only for one moment–your pain.

  12. Terra, you amaze me with your strength. I Love you so much big sister, and Sarah and I pray for you guys daily. Let us know if theres any way we can ever do anything to help out

  13. Your girls and Ben are so lucky to have you!!!! It is okay to be the one to need help too. Praying for you all every night and maveling at how brave and strong your whole family is. Crying is okay also, it does make me feel better!

  14. I choose to fall apart in the shower. That way I’m by myself (normally) and the sound muffles my boobing and I’m all ready wet so know one knows the wiser that I just bawled my eyes out.

    Love ya!
    Sarah

  15. I was doing pretty good through this post until I saw dobie’s comment! You are all incredible and I admire you and your strength. You have given me strength and hope in my little corner off the world when you easily have your plate full already. Thank you. And thank you for sharing your fun & amazing family!

  16. Yes you need lots and lots of sleep! None of us like to hear how sad you are after the thought! It was bad but she is strong and SPRING is coming! Hang in there! I love you all!