The real answer to all of the questions is “I don’t know.”
How are things going? I don’t know.
How is Kendall doing? I don’t know.
How long is she going to be on TPN? I don’t know.
How am I holding up? I REALLY don’t know.
I tend to not update a lot when I am feeling overwhelmed. Or like the info I WOULD post is just more of the same “not-knowingness”. Cause sometimes – its just not all sunshine and roses. And I really really really hate to be depressing. Or depressed. Or to feel like I am not focusing on the many hundreds of amazing blessings that really ARE a part of our lives every day. But for whatever reason, I feel compelled to share the true feelings on my heart. So consider yourselves warned – if you are looking for the sunshine and roses version of Terra Talking, check back in a few more days.
It has been nothing short of a hellacious month (or so). I am feeling like the farther removed we get from our hospital stint, the more I realize how very horrible it all was. I think I was operating on some kind of auto-pilot, a self-preservation mode, at the time. And now the fallout is happening. I held it all together when it HAD To All Be Alright. But the glue is starting to not hold up as well any more and the seams are getting leaky and most of the time I feel like I am one sad song away from the floodgates opening and the tears flowing and the pent up emotions of the past few weeks rushing out in a huge horrible ugly cry breakdown. I can feel it sitting in my shoulders, and crushing my lungs (which do NOT need any help in the crappy breathing department), and pulling down my eyelids. And the warm covers in the morning are so inviting, beckoning me to stay there, and just not have to DEAL with any of it. And this is part of why I stay up so late at nite. Because once I am asleep my dreams haunt me with horrible images. Or I am jolted awake by a phantom alarm signaling impending doom (only to rush into her room and realize all is fine and there never was an alarm). And once I am there, in that warm dark place, it tries to suck me in…
It was so very easy to pretend like she wasn’t THAT sick when we were going through it. There were things so horrible to witness that I couldn’t even blog about them. I couldn’t even acknowledge them, until one rare nite when Ben was home and we were home and we were sleeping in the same bed together and in the dark I asked him if he was ever scared for Kendall…because I wanted his usual reassurance that I was just overanalyzing things and she was always ok….and his answer was slow in coming, in a cracking voice as he told me that he was so afraid he was going to have to call me to say she was gone. I read an interesting statistic somewhere about yeast sepsis (one of the myriad problems Kendall had during the first admission). I have no idea how scientific it is – but I read that yeast sepsis has only a 50% survival rate. You either live…or you don’t.
So how can I be sad about this? She won. She beat the odds. She told the odds where to shove it. Cause that’s just Kendall. She fights in the hardest way she knows how against so many odds stacked against her. She is amazing. She is a fighter. She is a miracle. but you all know that. It’s part of why you come here, hoping for a new update. Praying for her as so many of you faithfully do. Donating your time or a gift card or some of your hard earned money in an effort to DO something for her story. And please know how extremely grateful we are for every single one of you who do things – seemingly small – and yet making SUCH a large difference in our lives.
So really – what DO I have to complain about?
Which is part of why I HATE feeling this way. But I will be ok. I think maybe I just need some really really really good sleep. I need to not be afraid of the dark, or of sleeping too hard. I need to know that my falling asleep is not a recipe for disaster occurring in my baby’s body or in our house.
To those of you who have walked this journey ahead of me and are now helping to hold my hand through it – thank you.
To those of you who have NO IDEA what to say to me – but say something anyways – thank you.
To those of you who read and leave comments here, or on facebook – i read EVERY SINGLE ONE of them and they help me feel better, supported, loved – so thank you.
Strangely – it feels better to get this all off my chest. So thanks for trudging through it. Hopefully we are back to your regularly scheduled Terra Talking program soon.
As a way of a quick update on the K’s – Kealey is being her usual brave soldier self, Karissa is having trouble in school just concentrating/being too tired and I think she has caught this Typhoid Mary virus AGAIN which is just zapping her, Kaylen is actually being a sweetheart but is very Anti-Nap lately, and Kendall is hanging in there. Getting her strength back, trying to do the “hot dog dance” from the end of her hot-gog show (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse), slowly getting a miniscule appetite back, gearing up for more fun testing/appts on Thursday back up in milwaukee, and revealing some of her secrets to us with today’s labs hopefully. She has been able to wean off the narcotics (I love that my 2 year old has to detox off pain meds!), but her leg still bothers her where they cut her muscle out of the top of her thigh. She is doing well on the TPN still, and we are slowly bumping her J-tube feeds slowly but surely. This doesn’t happen without incident, which I will spare you the gory details of, but onward and upward we go!
Anyways – it’s almost time to do preschool pickup. Thanks for listening. I really do feel better.
hugs and kisses –