The post I will delete.

But i have to get it out somewhere first.

Today I was a bad mom. or yesterday if you wanna split hairs. Its just been one long day around here.

I just was fed up with the mess still all over, the nonstop asking for food/snacks/candy, the “undo these five million plastic thingies holding this toy to this cardboard” and “can we open up this new toy/item and make a mess with it even though I just asked you to open up a different toy/item three seconds ago that i am now bored with” and just….

everything.

it was all too much.

In between all of that we had kendall pulling more “kendallisms” and swinging from one extreme (not pooping in three days) to the other (diarrhea that soaked everything in sight four times today), getting super puffy in her face all of a sudden, going pale, then blue, wrestling her to the ground to stick the cannula on her, digging through three boxes to find the duoderm tape (skin protectant) so I could put tegaderm (super sticky skin destroying adhesive) over the cannula to KEEP. IT. ON. Because as much as i know it doesn’t make sense, I use the oxygen as a magic placebo to make everything better. If she keeps that thing on her face then we get to stay out of the hospital. the end. And they all lived happily ever after. amen.

It was just a doozy of a day.

And seriously every time I would finally get to sit down for two seconds, there was another emergency or need. Pick up friends for the girls to play with. Drop friends off at home because mom was coming home. Pick up Ben’s rental car at the enterprise. Clean up the glass from the snowglobe that Kaylen shattered all over the floor playing with Kendall. Make dinner. Do 7 loads of laundry from miss poop-factory. Try to not worry over the fact that all of what kendall is doing could mean dehydration/acidosis/anemia worsening/kidney function tanking/GI function tanking/pick a body system that isn’t doing it’s job – and that at any time this week she might need to be run to the lab or the ER or just direct admitted and the upheaval that will be to life.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining. It’s Christmas. It’s a New Year. She is still home and mostly healthy. We are still home and mostly healthy with her. We have a beautiful home and nice clothes and five million plastic things to take off of seven million baby dolls and their various accessories. we are blessed. i know this. I cherish it in my heart.

But every once in a while, that heart just wants three minutes of peace and quiet.

I am getting some now. It is almost 1 am and i am finally getting my peace and my quiet. It is restoring my soul. i will be tired tomorrow, but i will be able to function in spirit. Thank you for letting me get this out. for not judging what i post here in my little web-corner. for the prayers you send upward on our behalf and the emails you send forward to let us know that you are praying. for the texts and the facebook funnies and just all of it.

Sorry about this ugly post. I will have a funner, more pretty, full of nice pictures Christmas celebration one up soon.

Just me.

T.

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Comments

  1. Sometimes it is just all too much. I was actually hoping to SLEEP all night tonight…it was on my To Do List after being up most of last night with too many things to do…but here I am at 2:25AM sitting on the computer, picking up the house, this is my ONLY alone time…but I need my rest too.

    Took my sensory sensative girl for a HAIR cut on Monday because she is able to get her hair in her mouth again ( causing her to have to pass hair balls)…which is always a treat. We actually had a GREAT experience, new stylist who was VERY patient with my Gracie. A pleasant surprise. Grace did great at the shop, but fell apart at home after holding herself together during the event. NEVER a dull moment….

    I know mine experiences do not compare to yours, but I wanted to put in writing…I hear where you are coming from. Hang in there.

    Love, Vicki

  2. I totally understand. I get the same way.
    I have no idea how you do all you do. I only have one “Kendall” (or Tara), without the demands of the other 3, and I often don’t cope with the demands with a smile like you so often do.
    You are so entitled to more posts like this if you want or need them. Although I love the fun and pretty stuff, you need to be able to express the other stuff too.
    xxxxxxxx

  3. It’s not always going to be pretty, but that’s life. It doesn’t make you a bad mom just a rea one. I din’t deal with 80% of what you deal with on a daily basis, but I get just as fed up with my kids. Never feel bad for being real or for sharing it. We know the frustrations of just being a parent. We’re here to encourage you in the good and bad. So don’t delete this post but keep it because it is a true reflection of life just like all the rest of your posts. Always praying for you and your family.

  4. You are not a bad mom – you are just a human being having a bad day! Everyone’s entitled – hang in there!!

  5. You never have to apologize for being human. Whether our kids are medical challenging or just typical kids we get frustrated and grrrrr. Keep your chin up and and don’t beat yourself up.

  6. Alright Terra – nobody is judging because there is nothing to judge my friend. We all have days just like this (or weeks – or months)… it’s part of the crazy, cruel, wonderful, terrifying, exhausting and fulfilling thing called ‘Life’. You are allowed to be selfish now and again, and honestly – needing some alone ‘peace’ time is NOT selfish – it’s self-preservation.

    I truly hope Kendall pulls through this road block without requiring any ER’s/labs/admissions… we know too well feeling like there is a giant anvil levitating just above our heads, waiting for the most inopportune, inconvenient time possible to drop. 🙁

    “The Rhino Around the Corner ” syndrome I call it…

    http://www.caringbridge.org/tres/images/photos/1/6/1/16128/l.XLObfKSTqkFysXHS.jpg I wish I could post pictures on my comment – but this link takes you to exactly how we feel here every single day. I suspect you can relate.

    Just keep telling yourself – 99% of the time you are awesome… that’s a high average in the world of parenting, the 1% you take for yourself is allowed (and encouraged – how can you stay sane without chiseling out some ‘ME’ time) .

    Dave and I learned early that an annual vacation (be it to the tropics, or simply a hotel in the city for a few nights ‘unplugged’ from life – dependant on what we could afford) did amazing things for our overall ability to cope with the day to day the rest of the year – we are blessed with Grandparents who are not only willing but totally capable of caring for the boys for a week if we need to get away once in a while… and we take advantage of that every year.

    This year we cannot afford brand name bologna (woohoo Great Value ‘meat tubes’!!), never mind a vacation, but we won a 250$ gift certificate to a local hotel in the city and we plan on using it once I’m out of here, and well enough, and my parents have decompressed from teh past 3 months of my hospitalization. Just being able to look forward to that break does amazing things to my ability to manage the tough times.

    Im rambling (benadryl+morphine+dramamine+104 degree fever = one wordy wordy momma) but you get my point.

    Big hugs…

    You rock. Even in your down times you rock.