you think sometimes that you are prepared for life. Prepared for the curveballs that may or may not come your way. You have emergency bags or emergency plans or emergency numbers in safe places, places you are prepared to get to in case something unexpected comes up. And this is all good and fine and sometimes it comes in handy and you avert the big crisis because you prepared for the unexpected.

But sometimes, even if you think you are prepared for the worst case scenario, it still creeps up on you at 4 pm on a random rainy tuesday afternoon in October.

Maybe you are sitting in the lobby of the hospital and you hear a code called in the area your child is having surgery in and you just know it was her. Maybe you run up to the waiting room where the desk person is frantically searching for you and your name is being paged overhead simultaneously and the doctor is being paged simultaneously and you try to hold yourself together as you walk to the elevators. And you tell yourself everything is fine as you walk into the unit and you even believe it for half a second before you round the corner and see your child’s code light on outside her room and many many people around her room and a doctor intercepts you halfway down the hallway and pulls you into a private room and invites you to sit down.

It is then that you know that none of your emergency preparedness actions are going to be enough. Whatever is about to come out of the doctors mouth is going to be so unexpected that it will hit you in the gut with a ferocity with which you will never be prepared for.

And then the doctor tells you essentially that your child died on the table, right below his hands, but it’s ok because it was only for a minute or three and she is ok now, she is back, and everything is ok. But he is shaken up and you find yourself trying to comfort him because the actual reality of his words haven’t sunk in to your brain yet, maybe you don’t want them to sink in, and because surely he couldn’t really mean YOUR child he must be confused. But he takes you by the arm and walks you to your child’s room because she IS awake-ish and is moaning your name and has people surrounding her, holding oxygen masks above her face because the cannula taped into her nose is at max capacity and still isn’t giving her enough oxygen to keep her vitals stable. and you will go to her, this child of yours who likes to defy odds and bring new meaning to the word “unexpected” and you fall on her and hold her and tell her it’s ok, it’s all ok, you’re here now.

The next few hours might come as a blur to you. you have to tell everyone that she is ok but that she is still not “stable”…

This is unexpected.

it was supposed to be an easy surgery. A quick stay.

And now it’s all topsy turvy and there really aren’t any answers and you have no idea what will happen in the next few minutes or hours or days.

i am not even sure I have fully processed for myself what happened yesterday. Her nurses tell me it was scary, and that it’s ok that i’m scared and nervous and unsure of what happened or what comes next. But mostly I just look at her and I’m glad she’s still here. Still sassy. Still fighting, like she does best. I have been fighting some kind of wicked cold/sinus/viral crappiness and i think it’s almost a blessing. My head is so full of snot that it’s hard to think through it all, and that’s probably a good thing.

What I do “know” right now: The running belief is that she had a massive pulmonary embolism. Likely a clot or part of a clot dislodged from somewhere in her body and momentarily blocked her pulmonary arteries. This caused her to go into v-tach – ventricular tachycardia. A crazy erratic heartbeat that was not in any kind of rhythm and was doing essentially nothing to pump blood. As a result her blood pressure plummeted to nothing and her sats took a major nosedive to nothingsville.  I am told that we are extremely lucky that the anesthesiologist on her case is one of the only men in the entire state who could have brought her back so quickly and assuredly. His skillset happens to be best suited to cases where this kind of thing is a likely possibility.
So they stabilized her. Brought her upstairs still very much needing support. I am shocked that they extubated her but I think the main goal was to get her out of the OR and up to the capable hands of her ICU team who knows her.
We aren’t POSITIVE that it was a clot. It could have been air, it could have been her body just reacting to the anesthesia, it could have been just the direction of the moon and wind. Even though we don’t know the reason why, or have any real reassurance that it won’t happen again, we have her back. She is stable. And that is as good as we can ask for right now. It is good enough.
We have imaged the likely places a clot might be hiding out, and see none. she is receiving a large dose of blood thinning medication every day. Her pain from the sepsis seems to be being better controlled, and we are so happy for that. She was very very sick, sicker than i think any of us realized while she was going through it even. And we are looking at a pretty long recovery, full of ups and downs. Her doctors tell us that we shouldn’t feel discouraged, that her baseline may eventually return to normal. That  this doesn’t mean she’s lost major ground. It just means right now, she’s recovering. Right now, the unexpected will continue to throw us for loops. Right now, stable is as good as it gets.

She does have her new line in. They were able to complete inserting that. Her old crusty painful picc is removed. She is cleared to go home in the morning.
So homeward we will go. For hopefully at least the four weeks we would normally be home before returning for IVIG in November. We don’t exactly know what else to expect, but maybe that’s overrated anyways.
I’m looking forward to getting home, into a good schedule again. One of her crazy antibiotics is done, so her med schedule is DRASTICALLY reduced. This means we get some sleep at nights now!  We will look to get her back into school in the next week or so as she proves her endurance to us a little bit more. We have  Halloween costumes to get set for all four girls and I owe Kaylen a birthday party still (poor middle child always gets left out….), and then it will be Kendall’s birthday and then it will be CHRISTMAS.

And then time just flies.

So I’m going to wrap this up because the coughing is overtaking me and my head is still full of snot and I just really really really want to sleep for about a week. Or a month.

i hope this post makes sense. Thanks for trying to read it anyways~


peace out party people.



On time.

Out of Time.

Time Out.

Time to go.

Time Goes By So Slowly.

I got nothin today. i mean, we DId stuff. But it wasn’t anything exciting or earth shattering – not really worthy of it’s own blog post. Not that most of what I write is….
Anyways – today’s prompt was to write for 5 minutes about time. It was better than the big ol’ ball of nothing floating around in my brain, so I bit.

My thoughts on time…

Sometimes, there just isn’t ENOUGH time. Not enough time to sleep, enough time to do all the stuff i HAVE to do and all the stuff I WANT to do, not enough time to just sit back and soak up life. Other times – it seems like all I do it just sit and WAIT on time to slowly pass… I think the overriding theme is that I probably need major time management. 

Ok i’m over that.


Not the time management thing – I do really need that. But since i’m likely to get that without a lobotomy, we’ll move on. And i’ll go back to Plan A – boring you with details about today. And tomorrow too. Today the girls were off school – so most glorious of all – I got to SLEEP!!!! I do so very dearly adore sleeping in in the mornings. I don’t like going to bed til late at night. And then i’m usually up a few times every night. So morning is the best time to sleep. But that so very rarely gets to happen – which makes days like today even awesomer! kendall was doing some of her crazy “i’m not sure if i’m actually sick but i’m going to pull random stuff on you anyways”, so her nurse and i had to get her calmed down. then after all that trauma I took the big girls out to breakfast with our good friends. After sitting in construction traffic for two hours, we made it to the eye doctor to pick up Karissa’s new glasses (she was SO excited!!), then back home to play in the leaves with friends. What an awesomely simple but fun day.
Tomorrow we are surprising the girls with a trip downtown – mainly so the babies can go to the American Girl doll store. Some awesome people knew that they ADORED looking at the AG catalog and that our expendable income for something like that was slim to none, so they blessed us with a gift card for the girls to pick something out!  They are going to FUH-LIPPP!  I’m so proud of the big girls – they know this trip is mainly for the babies but instead of whining about what they will get out of it – they are excited to see their little sisters enjoying the day! They aren’t being totally left out – we will surprise them too with a little something. But overall, we are so very blessed and so thankful for the opportunity to have something like this to look forward to!

And speaking of time – again – how seriously mind-boggling is it that my baby Kendall is turning FIVE YEARS OLD in a few days. How did that happen? five years??? that is older than karissa was when we brought her home. She’s not a baby anymore – she’s a big girl. It’s amazing.  I don’t know that we have any huge plans for that day – other than its her first day in almost a year that she will get to wake up and not get a shot, and go to bed, and not get a shot. I think that is probably the best gift for her ever. We have a “ten more shots” countdown and she can hardly wait!

Anyways – i’ll have more about that to say later, i’m sure. For now, i’ll wrap up this insanely boring post and put another one in the books.

peace out party people.


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