A Story.

This here’s a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down….
Jay. Kay.

It IS however a story of the crazy day I had.
I know how much you all love to laugh at/with me.

So – in case you needed reassurance that you were actually a much better mother than me.

I woke up late. I’ve been having having bad eye allergies lately. When my eyes are allergic they hurt in the morning. It’s hard to open them. I also hate getting out of bed before 10 am, so…. you can see the dilemma. Anyways – so there i was, laying in bed and dreading opening my eyes when Karissa walks in and her hair is a hot holy mess (as per usual) and I remember – it’s picture retake day.
They had to miss the original Picture Day at school because their sister had just gotten intubated and they needed to come up to the hospital to see me because we knew we were in for kind of a long haul so they got pulled out of school for that day.
So I force myself out of bed and start trying to deal with K2 and K3’s unruly hair. At least they had picked out semi-cute clothes the night before so i didn’t have to fight THAT battle…Until k4 came in dressed in an orange dress when i’d picked out a cute leopard print one for her. It was orange day for spirit days. If there’s a color that an anemically pale faux red-head should not ever ever ever wear – it is orange. So – we compromise. She can put on the cute dress for picture time and wear the orange one for school. Fine. Go back to trying to curl both girls’ hair while trying to get my eyes to cooperate and get dressed in between because I was supposed to meet with our social worker from palliative at 9. And by the way I can’t get my contacts in my stupid puffy eyes and i cannot drive in my glasses. Plus i’m too vain for that.
So we finally get everyone dressed/hair kinda cute/put on the buses, and I make it to starbucks in time.

Standing in the line at the Starbucks I get a phone call – and I could see that the number had just called my home phone too so i thought it was important and i answered it. It was the Dentists office.

“yes, mrs. atkinson? we had the girls all scheduled for their 6 month cleanings this morning…..at 9???”
me: that’s cute. It’s almost 9:30 now.
“yes, so….we can get you in at 11:30 for all of them or…..you’ll have to pay the missed appointment fees???”
me: ummmmmm. Do you have antibiotics for Kendall then? (and by the way why is everything you say to me a question?!?!?!?)
”no, no, we dont have the antibiotics…” (kendall needs antibiotics because of her endocarditis issues)
me: ok neat. Then cancel Kendall, we will figure her out later. I’ll have the other three there at 11:30”

So….. I suck.
And then that made me remember that I needed to call milwaukee to change our IVIG schedule/surgical appointment AGAIN (for the third or maybe fourth time) because we actually have pulmonology on Monday and that takes forever to get an appointment with him so i can’t move that – but the surgeon is also very hard to get an appointment with and we had just finally set that up so I can’t move that. But ben is out of town so i have to try to cram in the surgeon appt AND IVIG but we have to run IVIG over at least 6 hours so we can’t go too late to the infusion clinic and oh my gosh my brain might explode!!!! Anyways. No time to think about that now.
Got all the social work stuff done, ran to Kealeys school, schlepped through the cold to get her, went to the other school, had them pull the girls out of their classes, got the picture schedule so we could make sure they didn’t miss pictures AGAIN.

Drive to the dentist office where I am handed a manila folder full of paperwork they need to “update”, hand off the kids to the techs, and start doing the insane amount of paperwork. The kids get finished before i am done with this paperwork (and believe me – i am mostly filling it out by writing “see above” or “check sisters file” because that is just too much ish for me to be dealing with. They have copy machines for this crap.) No cavities but I get the usual lecture on helping them floss and set a timer for brushing. Trying to stifle laughter because if they even remember to put toothpaste on a toothbrush and put it in their mouths at least twice a week we are doing good. But ok. Kaylen is having molars come in so she isn’t just being dramatic about her tooth pain – and they need sealants in a couple months. Kealey’s molars just came in so she needs sealants too. Karissa needs a followup with ortho which – oh joy!- was already scheduled for this coming friday. better write that down on my hand so i don’t forget.
Back in the cold, grab some mcdonalds, because by now they’ve all missed their lunch periods, drop off kealey at her school, take the big girls to their school, get pulled into their social workers office to discuss kendall’s IEP that is hard to meet because now she’s only there for two days a week. Fine. Change her goals. Just make sure she can SIT STILL and not hit other kids in the class when she doesn’t get her way – word that however you want. I don’t care.
By this time I have to pee so bad i am not even sure how i’m still holding it. Eat an eclair for lunch because, hey, it was there and i needed the sugar. Get Kendall into bed, try to catch up on some school/medical paperwork I need to do, have a discussion with our nurse about the schedule for tomorrow and next week, freak out because i have literally done NOTHING for Kendall’s birthday tomorrow, and then greet children coming home from school.

And get told
“the camera broke so they have to reschedule picture day”.

 

And that is why mommy is rocking in the corner chewing xanax and clutching a bottle of wine.

THE END.

Turtles With Tails. Take 2.

The following is a re-post of a story I posted back in 2010. It has been coming up in a lot of google searches lately for my blog (??? Is there some kind of random snapper turtle outbreak somewhere in this country that i’m not aware of???) And when I went back and re-read it, I was cracking up again, almost as bad as I was on the day that this happened.

It was a good reminder to me of the fact that even with lots of craziness going on, you gotta just sit back and belly laugh sometimes. Also to not pick up random animals from the side of the road.

So I updated it with some of my infamous drawings.

Hope you enjoy!

 

Turtles with Tails Are Bad.

That is my public service announcement for the day.

But the way that I found this out – oh my gosh, one of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed in a long time. And I see a LOT of funny stuff every day!

IMG_4373 so, my mom and I are driving down Weber after picking up pizza for dinner. Mistake #1. For those not local enough to appreciate the absolutely effed up stretch of former asphalt that is Weber Road, let me just say, on a GOOD day it makes you want to stab your eyeballs out with a dull spoon. Right now it is all ripped up while they re-pave. Except they’re not actually re-paving it yet, they’re just moving orange barrels around in a random pattern every day, clogging up an already clogged up road even further. I tell you all this so that you understand how PAINFULLY SLOW traffic was parked which is what allowed me to see the poor turtle in the middle of the road.

 

 

IMG_4374So I tell my mom to hurry up and get out of the car and pick up the turtle (I actually thought it was a frog). She hops out and leaves her door open to find the amphibious creature, when we actually start crawling forward. She bends down JUST as her open door is about to whack her in the head. I am sure  the people behind us were fully convinced they were on Candid Camera because it had to be a hilarious sight to see.

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So she gets it in the car and we start looking at it going – what IS that? Because while it had a hard shell on its back, it was squatty and fat like a toad. Then it started peeing. And the pee REEKED like all manner of decaying things.

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So my mom is screaming which is making me scream and this turtle is like hissing at us and trying to crawl across the dashboard (where my mom threw it when she started screaming) and i am screaming at her to catch it catch it and she is screaming that she can’t and that she is going to puke from the smell/stench of the turtle-thing pee and that i better clean her car out.

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anyways – i thought the girls would like to see it, and we were almost home, so she played lion tamer on the turtle with two sheets of paper, which made him even more pissed off. which made him…..you know…piss. more. stinkily.

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We carry the turtle up the front steps proudly and call the girls out to see it and my dad real nice and calm-like is all “That’s really not the kind of turtle you wanna be holding on to Mary Jane….” and we’re all “why? its cute! it’s a baby! It even still has its tail!!!” And the girls are all “I wanna  see it! Let me hold it!” And my dad says “well yeah, that cute little tail is how you know its a snapper”. My mom resumed with the screaming and flings it off the porch into the bushes.

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So now we have a snapping turtle living in our front yard. I am quite sure Ben will appreciate this as he tries to do yard work this weekend. It keeps things exciting.

anyways – i continued to laugh about this scenario well into the wee hours of the morning yesterday. I just wanted to share it here. In case it makes you laugh too.

and plus, you know, to tell you the important info that turtles with tails are bad.

you’re welcome!

Terra the Turtle Whisperer

La Tortuga

as drawn by Kealey Grace

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