Things you Learn.

I don’t know why I decided today was the day I was going to share this. But I just wanted to.

Maybe because these times with Kendall in the ICU are some of the “dark times” i reference in the vlog I’m inserting below. Or maybe just because i’m sleep deprived and there is no rhyme or reason to anything i’m doing right now.

Anyways –

as a quick Kendall update (and if you want more up to the minute ones – be sure you have “liked” her page on facebook – there’s a link over to the right in the sidebar if you’re on a computer and on your mobile, scroll down below this post –

She is not septic – and that’s a very good thing! That’s what usually makes her go tumbling downhill head over heels and end up intubated and on all the pressers, etc.  She does have bugs growing out of the blood we take from her central line – but not out of her peripheral veins – so that means she is not even bacteremic (blood infection) – which is what the suspicion was yesterday. And to look at her – she is definitely holding her own.  But even with all this “good” news, and a pretty happy Kendall, it still just wasn’t adding up to me.  Something wasn’t quite right.  Out of that weird sense moms have, I asked them to please run a urine culture. I was met with resistance and all kinds of reasons we didn’t need to do that – but I asked if they would please just do it to shut me up.

And whaddya know??? She sure enough has a nasty UTI as well. And THAT makes much more sense to how she is acting and how/why she got so sick so fast. So now we are working on chasing that information and getting the right antibiotics for that bug also. Overall she still remains in good spirits and is not currently trying to pull any scary stuff.  I am VERY grateful for that. 
I am grateful for a lot of things – some of them are harder to put into words than others.  I am grateful for the love and support from so many friends and family who lift me and my family up during these times when our lives are thrown upside down.  I am grateful for the relaxation and peace of my trip last week and that Kendall waited until after I was home to pull this craziness! I am grateful for every breath of life I am blessed to live and I am grateful for the hard lessons I have learned this past year.

So …

there’s that.  I realize it probably doesn’t make sense, and honestly i  haven’t re-watched it since i made it so it probably REALLY doesn’t make sense.

But that’s what was on my mind today. There might be more later. You never know. So check back often.

And if you want me to talk more about the swimming in the bat cave experience, let me know!

Peace out party people. I’ll try to have a more make sense blog post later.



So I’ m not really sure where or how to begin this post…

I know it’s been forever.

I’ve been going through some stuff. Some hard stuff. Stuff that i wanted to come and post about here but the thing is, it’s a story that is not solely my own, so i didn’t feel like I could tell it.  And I’m still not sure i can totally fully tell it – but i have missed my outlet here. I’ve missed being able to process the emotions of what i’m dealing with via my writing, and the connection I get when I share things with you guys. So i’m going to attempt to just start where i’m at and go from there.
First – we are all doing ok from a health standpoint. Kendall is doing as well as I could ever hope for, we managed to escape massive sickness this crazy long winter (even though i’m still trying to recover from a brutal 3 week bout with bronchitis, or at least that’s what i diagnosed myself with!), and overall, yeah. we are cruising along in that aspect.  But to tell you the truth, I am doing anything but cruising.

I am keeping on because it’s all I know how to do. But I’m not sure i’m doing it really well. I am not really wanting to dwell a ton on it with this post because like I said, it’s not just a one-sided thing. My marriage is not in a good place. I don’t really know what the next few months might bring. I don’t want to create more questions by being vague about it, but i don’t want to get into the details right now. Know that i know it is never just one thing or one person that kills a marriage. It is a series of tiny little things, silly little trivialities usually, that left unchecked create massive cracks in the stability of the foundation a marriage has to be built upon. And without communication about those things,it can quickly being crumbling. So this crumbling hurts. And being who i am, I try my best to patch up the crumbling places and keep a game face on and move forward. It’s the best way I know how right now.
But going through this – wow. It has caused me to build an inner strength, or rather to rely on an inner Strength that I didn’t know was there.  It has caused me to dig pretty deep within myself to try to learn from the hurt instead of react to it, to really analyze who i am, and what i am doing with my life, to look at myself in a whole new light. It’s been a journey and it will continue to be a journey and i realized that at the end of the day, that’s what this blog is. A chronicle of my journey – the good, bad and ugly.   And while I’d rather on some level continue to pretend like things are sailing along smoothly and fabulously – the truth of the matter is that they aren’t. And that’s ok. Bad things happen. And the best you can do is learn to not let the bad things control your life. 
And for all I know, the ending of this story may not be all bad. It feels bad and painful right now – for both of us – but we’ve been through a lot before and come out ok on the other side….and if i believe in one thing – it’s that Hope is Always a Good Thing.

And that’s about all I have to say about that for right now.



But what I do want to talk about is that I am going on a trip this coming weekend. cunjw_phototour125
I will be flying to Cancun Mexico. By myself. For 5 days.

I am all kinds of excited about this for reasons that I can hardly put into words.

I need this solitude. I need the beach and the salt water of the ocean and the warmth of the sun.

I need to be in a place different than the one I am in every day and I need to have a few days where the only persons needs i need to worry about are my own. And to even say that makes me feel so selfish. It is all i’ve known for so long – taking care of everyone around me. And even though my girls are amazingly strong and independent little humans, they still need so much from me. It is hard to constantly give and give and give and never have anything to refill the giver.  I know so many strong women in my life who know this concept well and I wish on some level that I could take you all with me. I do not take the opportunity for this trip lightly at all. It is a gift, and I will treat it accordingly.  But oh how excited I am!

I have only ever been to Mexico for missions trips – to areas of the country that aren’t touristy and aren’t fueled by drug money and usually aren’t “americanized” in any way.  And in some way, that’s the Mexico I long to see. I will be going on one day trip to some of the ancient Mayan ruins, and to see the “jungle” down the coast a little ways. (And feel free right now to comment down below if you have ANY kind of input on tours/things I should do/things i should avoid/etc – I will take any and all advice!!)

But anyways – I am very excited about my trip. A little nervous….I mean, it’s not every day that you take a trip to a different country on your own.  Eat all your meals on your own. Decide to go zip lining through the jungle or cliff diving on your own.  Yet….this is what I truly long for. Finding within myself the ability to be alone and content with my own self. Hear my own inner voice. Be at peace in a place of solitude and just listen.

So this week ahead will be filled with making sure things are set for Kendall’s schedule, and praying that she continues to behave herself and do so well health wise. Making sure her supplies and meds are all set and that nursing coverage is in place as much as possible and that the other three will be able to get to and from their various activities and that everything runs as smoothly as possible in my absence.  It has been so long since i’ve gone on “vacation” like this….i literally cannot even tell you how excited I am! I had to get a passport and everything.

I’ve never had a passport before. It is totally empty. I cannot wait to see that first stamp in it and I hope that someday it gets other ones in it too.

And that’s where I’m at right now.  I’m keepin on. And I will continue to do so. And I will continue to use this space as my place to process through how that looks. I know I want to remember every second of my trip coming up so I hope to be able to share some of that here with you all too.

Some of you have been such amazing supports to me throughout the past few years, and I appreciate every single comment or email or in person hug I have received from you. I need your support and love and prayers more than ever right now. We all do, honestly.
There’s so much more I could say, and maybe it will eventually come out, as I find ways of being better able to talk through things that are hard to say. But right now, I know only to focus on this day, and a few days ahead.

Thank you for sticking around if you still check in here and read this little blog of mine~

Keep on Keepin On….


(Photo courtesy of the JW marriott Cancun Resort and Spa)

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