I have no idea why that is in my head. but it is and now you all get to have it in your head too – You’re Welcome!!!!
So anyways – we continue to head down this path of living with Kendall’s diagnosis. Sometimes I am just absolutely impressed with myself and how calmly I am handling it. And then I try to ignore that little voice that says – maybe that’s because you’re in denial? Because we ALL know, I am definitely not one who EVER denies things. Nope. not me. I like to face things head on, i like to live in reality. I would definitely not be the kind of mom who tries to convince her kids every year that no, they have not actually moved up to the next number, I miscounted and it turns out they are still only four, not seven years. I ALWAYS check my bank account to be sure EXACTLY how much money is in there because I would NEVER live in denial of the fact that i MIGHT not have enough money in there for this fun frivolous target trip. I would NEVER EVER EVER keep a pair of jeans around in a size 8 because, you know, in some alternate miraculous universe i might fit into them again someday. NOT ME. I have never visited the land of De Nile.
But really – I think part of the calm comes simply from knowing this –
this burden is no longer mine to carry alone.
You have taken part of it, and you, and you – all of you reading this, praying for us, thinking of our family, lifting Kendall up to Jesus to hold and heal.
My beautiful wonderful husband has taken some of it, if even only over a teary phone call when I called to tell him the news.
My amazing family has taken some of it, by just listening to me process out loud, by letting me cry, by buying me flat top grill. oh wait, that last one hasn’t happened yet…. (consider yourself warned, don’t click on the link if you are hungry at all. you will instantly salivate and wish you had flat top down the street. I’m serious. Don’t do it.)
Our doctors have taken some of it. Knowing that the burden is not ALL MINE when we walk into an ER or the hospital, that someone else will be able to take over the directions for how to care for her, what to do in case of emergency, what it means that she has this disorder – that frees me up in a way I cannot even possibly describe.
And of course, I know our Savior carries it all, when i am willing to lay it at His feet.
So lay it down I have. At least for now. At least for this week i am ok with it being someone else’s problem. for right now – we have an answer. we have someone else who can be Kendall’s voice and advocate in her doctors – it’s NOT ALL ME anymore. And yes, if something were to happen, of course I WOULD be her biggest advocate again – but for right now, it feels a little like spring break. Like I can just take a rest from it all for a while, and pick it back up when the need arises.
So that’s where I am today.
I have more to blog but babies are crying – back soon!
and oh my gosh you guys are so close to the special number! who is it going to be?!?!?!?!