multiply life by the power of two.

 a letter to my dear kendall quinn~

You have tried your hardest to scare me to death this week, kq. You have done a pretty darn good job of it.

You have embarked on a journey far beyond what I would have ever hoped for you – and though you have wandered far out to sea, you have always been in sight of the shoreline where I stand. I have thought I had lost sight of you a time or two – a wave would crest or my eyes would play tricks on me and I would panic thinking “she’s going away from me”. But then I would squinch my eyes tight, will you to come back into view, give me some sign you were there – and there you would be. And there you are.

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You are still floating out there in the sea of “somwhere”. I hope you are having good princess playdoh dreams wherever you are. I hope there are no monsters chasing you down, waiting to steal you away from me in those dreams. I hope you remember none of those dreams when you wake up. And i hope you wake up soon.

I miss your voice. I miss your giggle. i miss the things you say and the way you say them. Your sisters and your nurses all laugh at me because I can do a spot-on Kendall impersonation, complete with crazy made up words (like “hosta-bull” for hospital and “hucka-wipes” for your beloved alcohol wipes. But I want to hear those things come from YOUR little mouth. I miss your beautiful blue eyes, shining with just a hint of the mischief you are always cookin up. I miss the way you ask me to tuck you tighter at night when you’ve been all hooked up. I miss hooking you up at night. As much of a pain as it can be sometimes to prepare your TPN, mix your meds, keep your supplies straight, hook you up to four gajillion things every night when i’m tired and just want to sit down….i miss it all.

People tell me that our lives are crazy. That was BEFORE this new level of crazy. Now I will be happy to go back to our “normal crazy”. It’s all about perspective sometimes.

I broke down crying the other night because the thought occurred to me that you might not be awake on Mother’s Day. It’s coming up in two days. I know you haven’t had time to go shopping for me – you’ve been a little busy being a diva here. But you can give me the greatest gift ever by being awake – breathing on your own again, tell me you love me. that’s all I want.

And if you have to give it to me a day or two late, that’s ok too. I mostly just want YOU back. Back here safely on shore with me. I have waded in as far as I could, trying to anchor you to me, not let you get too far out. I have watched you endure the roughest seas you ever have, and i have been stuck here while you are out there. But i will not lose sight of you. I will not leave you. I will not let you leave me.

Keep on fightin’ baby. You got this. I know you do. You’re amazing. SO many people are praying for you, for us. It is very awesome to know that God is hearing every single one. And He is holding YOU in the palm of His hand. So i know you aren’t really alone out there, wherever you are. Like I whisper in your ear every night of your life – “I love you, Jesus loves you, and Jesus is always with you.”

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“So we’re ok, we’re fine, baby i’m here to stop your cryin

chase all the ghosts from your head – i’m stronger than the monster beneath your bed

smarter than the tricks played on your heart.

Look at them together then we’ll take them apart

Adding up the total of a love that’s true –

Multiply Life by the Power of Two.”

– Indigo Girls, Power of Two

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Comments

  1. My heart is aching. My prayers are continuous. Asking our precious father for a MIRACLE recovery. He loves us. He’s got YOU in the palm of His hands Mama.

  2. oh dear Terra. This has me weeping. I’m so, so sorry she’s so sick. I’m sorry for your pain. For your exhaustion. Praying continually for you and KQ and your girls and Ben. Hang in there friend!

  3. That is my very favorite Indigo Girls song. It’s always been a special song, but it’s even more special now. Every time I hear it and sing those words, I’ll think of you and your little warrior, Kendall. You are both in my prayers. Stay strong, Momma!

  4. So beautiful, Mama. I am sobbing as I read it and am sitting in awe of your strength. I love you guys so much, even though we’ve never met in person. Did you know that I sing that song to my kids too? The first baby I sang it to was our first crack baby. She was such a grumpy little one. She was miserable unless she was wrapped tightly in a sling or outside in the wind. That song helped her eat. Then, my Connerbug came to us terrified all the time. After visits with his birthparents, he’d wake up screaming in the night. That song (and James Taylor’s “Sweet Baby James”) would lull him back to sleep. Tiny, super sick Isaac heard this song through nights of projectile vomiting, G-tube replacements, painful post surgery moments. Now, Mylie gets it when she is in tears and aching and we don’t know why or wilting after seizures. It doesn’t surprise me that you sing it for Kendall too because I think we’re a lot alike. Please know that the part of me that feels so close to you is right by your side. I’m no where near that hospital but I am right by your side. You can have my strength, she can have my strength. I spend time every hour or so praying for you, your husband and all 4 K’s. I know that God is hearing it, I can feel His presence too. Bless you, my dear sweet friend!!!
    Nicole DeZarn talked about…Mama Needs a Brand New Bag!

  5. Come back Kendall Quinn as soon as you can! We love you! Praying for all of you.

  6. So sweet! Praying for her to back to play on the beach with you soon.

  7. Hugs to you and know we are all here for your family with anything you need!

  8. I am thinking of you & your family and praying for Kendall. God is greater!

  9. there is nothing more frightening when your child drifts into the abyss and you sit by helpless…I will continue to pray for Kendall and for your fierce Mother’s heart, you are not ALONE!

  10. I pray that Jesus holds sweet Kendall for just a bit while she rests and gives her back all smiles and mischief for her mama to love and cherish for mothers day. I love you Terra and pray for you and your family daily!

  11. I found you tonight because a friend of ours who also struggles with medical issues similar to your Kendall posted your “conversation” with Kendall on her Facebook page. What do I say? I am crying. And I am asking God to continue to give you that crazy sense of humor or attitude or whatever you would call it. I think I would have crashed a long time ago. But you haven’t, because God must surely be holding you very close. And I am again reminded how very blessed I have been. I too often take God’s goodness for granted and tonight I feel very humbled that the path God chose for me has been so easy compared to yours. I don’t understand His ways, but tonight you have become someone I will think of often and keep in my prayers. And I am asking that Kendall comes back to you very soon.