a letter to my dear kendall quinn~
You have tried your hardest to scare me to death this week, kq. You have done a pretty darn good job of it.
You have embarked on a journey far beyond what I would have ever hoped for you – and though you have wandered far out to sea, you have always been in sight of the shoreline where I stand. I have thought I had lost sight of you a time or two – a wave would crest or my eyes would play tricks on me and I would panic thinking “she’s going away from me”. But then I would squinch my eyes tight, will you to come back into view, give me some sign you were there – and there you would be. And there you are.
You are still floating out there in the sea of “somwhere”. I hope you are having good princess playdoh dreams wherever you are. I hope there are no monsters chasing you down, waiting to steal you away from me in those dreams. I hope you remember none of those dreams when you wake up. And i hope you wake up soon.
I miss your voice. I miss your giggle. i miss the things you say and the way you say them. Your sisters and your nurses all laugh at me because I can do a spot-on Kendall impersonation, complete with crazy made up words (like “hosta-bull” for hospital and “hucka-wipes” for your beloved alcohol wipes. But I want to hear those things come from YOUR little mouth. I miss your beautiful blue eyes, shining with just a hint of the mischief you are always cookin up. I miss the way you ask me to tuck you tighter at night when you’ve been all hooked up. I miss hooking you up at night. As much of a pain as it can be sometimes to prepare your TPN, mix your meds, keep your supplies straight, hook you up to four gajillion things every night when i’m tired and just want to sit down….i miss it all.
People tell me that our lives are crazy. That was BEFORE this new level of crazy. Now I will be happy to go back to our “normal crazy”. It’s all about perspective sometimes.
I broke down crying the other night because the thought occurred to me that you might not be awake on Mother’s Day. It’s coming up in two days. I know you haven’t had time to go shopping for me – you’ve been a little busy being a diva here. But you can give me the greatest gift ever by being awake – breathing on your own again, tell me you love me. that’s all I want.
And if you have to give it to me a day or two late, that’s ok too. I mostly just want YOU back. Back here safely on shore with me. I have waded in as far as I could, trying to anchor you to me, not let you get too far out. I have watched you endure the roughest seas you ever have, and i have been stuck here while you are out there. But i will not lose sight of you. I will not leave you. I will not let you leave me.
Keep on fightin’ baby. You got this. I know you do. You’re amazing. SO many people are praying for you, for us. It is very awesome to know that God is hearing every single one. And He is holding YOU in the palm of His hand. So i know you aren’t really alone out there, wherever you are. Like I whisper in your ear every night of your life – “I love you, Jesus loves you, and Jesus is always with you.”
“So we’re ok, we’re fine, baby i’m here to stop your cryin
chase all the ghosts from your head – i’m stronger than the monster beneath your bed
smarter than the tricks played on your heart.
Look at them together then we’ll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that’s true –
Multiply Life by the Power of Two.”
– Indigo Girls, Power of Two