life is like a river.

That Garth Brooks….he sure knows what he’s talking about. “life is like a river, ever changin as it goes, and a dreamer’s just a vessel that much follow where it goes. Trying to learn from what’s behind, and never knowing what’s in store makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores….”

This is where we are at this morning.

Kendall Quinn crashed hard yesterday morning. I had to pick her up from school where her very shaken nurse, principal and vice principal were sitting with her in the office, knowing she was obviously sick but feeling helpless to do anything about it. Off we flew to the local ER where we were blessed enough to get a doctor who actually followed her protocol and got things moving quickly to help get Kendall more comfortable.

For those who have been down this road with us before, you know how it goes a little bit.

These times are rough.

Kendall spikes a high fever, and for our best guesses, we assume she has “gone septic”. Bugs, the kind that live in your gut and help digest your food and help keep you healthy, have once again leaked out of her gut and into her bloodstream and set up a party on her central line in her heart. She gets a blood infection and it rages…And oh the toll those battles take on her little body.

The fever, the rigors (intense shivers), the nausea, the vomiting, the headache, the feeling of your blood pressure skyrocketing then plummeting in an attempt to find happy medium….it makes ME feel horrible just writing it out and it is not even me who is feeling those things. It is my baby. My beautiful strong warrior child…

Oh how i wish I could take this battle from her. I wish it was me feeling those things, not sitting here helplessly by her side watching as her body fights with all it has.

But she is here now, in the best possible place for her to fight, our home away from home on West5. The unit. the Pediatric Intensive Care unit. Where the nurses know what she needs almost before her body knows she needs it. Where we have had a nurse standing at her bedside almost nonstop since the transport team of blue angels transferred her to this bed. Where we have a dedicated pharmacist and lab technician right outside the door trying to help us do anything and everything to keep her body stable, comfortable, give it the tools it needs to FIGHT.

And fight she is.

It has been a rough night. Her heart is beating very fast in an attempt to keep blood and oxygen pumping through her system and in response to the elevated temperature caused by the infection. We are burning through our options to help relieve the discomfort from her high temp and are awaiting right now an approval for round the clock dosing of IV tylenol. It seems like this should be a no-brainer, but it is not. The medication is in short supply and costs a fortune. It is right now the only thing left that is working, and even then, is only buying us an hour or so of “calm”. Then she goes right back into a shaking fit, moaning, gasping for breath, eyes closed but not sleeping…..the hard times.

Her labs are a mess, her vitals are all over the place, and we have no direction or answers as of yet. I know that this is part of this journey and yet I am impatient. I want to know we are doing something RIGHT for her little body, but everything we do right now is causing other chain reactions. It is a necessary evil, but one that is hard to deal with.

Sleep was not in high supply here last night for anyone.  She has hallucinations when the fever is spiking. Hearing her have these nearly lucid conversations that are meaningless is both hilarious and heartbreaking. Yesterday she actually had an argument with herself: “I got it – no IIIII got it!!!! That’s mine! It is not yours!! it is MINE! I had it first! I had it first!!!” And then late last night she had a conversation with daddy about his car being in “down-down shicago”.

I usually know more by this point. Today I know only that she is fighting, and fighting hard. I am hopeful and optimistic that she will make a turn for the better today – but I do not know this for a fact.

I do know that she is very sick.

i know that K2 and K3 were in her classroom with her when she crashed, and that they carried with them all day the burden of knowing she was going to the hospital. I know that Karissa, she of Cloud Gathering fame, asked me on the phone last night if kendall needed the paralytics yet or if she was still breathing on her own. Kaylen told me she felt sad and nervous all day but didn’t want to cry so she didn’t say anything to her teacher. Kealey had no clue anything was going on but came home to an empty house after school. Ben is supposed to leave this morning for a two week trip to California for work. My parents will need to arrange their schedules for the next few days to stay with the big girls and get them off to school. These are the balls I am juggling. And i want to make it better for everyone and I cannot do that. I cannot FIX anything right now and it makes me feel horrible.

so many of you read the updates and you offer to help us and you tell me to tell you what I need, what we need, how you can help. And really – it is so hard to know what to say in times like this. Because I feel like a broken record! We need your prayers – first and foremost and most importantly. God knows what we need even if you feel like you aren’t even sure what you are praying for….Knowing that so many of you are sharing Kendall’s story and reading her updates and are lifting our family up with your prayers – this helps in ways that are immense and hard for me to help you understand. To feel undergirded by the support of so many friends and family and even virtual strangers – it is an amazing feeling.  To those of you here in Milwaukee who offer to help – food. I do not eat well during these times. Especially when I leave the house with no cash. I am so thankful to our amazing nurse/friend who brought me a jar of nutella, some nilla wafers and some cokes late last night. That was supper and it will be breakfast. I am not good about texting and asking for help, or for people to go out of their ways to bring food to this hospital int he middle of construction hell. But having food here at the hospital is something I do not take for granted and if you are so inclined, please feel free to bring me anything! I do not turn food down. Ever. We are in room 512 and if you don’t want to battle the parking garage nightmare things can always be left at the front main desk for our room/Kendall’s name. Gas cards are another constant need.

But mostly – we just need your love, support, prayers. Sharing Kendall’s page with your facebook friends and family is such a boost to our spirits to see people from all over praying for our sweet girl, for our family. Your messages of love and support to me via text, messages, emails – these all help me in ways I cannot describe to you. I am not always able to respond – but please know i am at some point reading them all.

I will continue to update Kendall’s page with any information I do receive.

Sorry this post is kind of all over the place….not a whole lot of coherent thoughts are being formed right now.

Thank you for being on this journey with us – it is so comforting to know we are never alone.

 

keep on keepin on~

terra.

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Comments

  1. I wish I could drive all the way to Milwaukee to bring you some Arby’s or Chick-Fil-A or some window sushi… I wish I could afford gas cards. But mostly, I wish I could just be by your side in this heckuva journey. You’re on my mind all day long on these types of intense Kendall days. I can only imagine how hard it is for Ben to be working and traveling with his mind on his family – you guys are amazing, and Kendall is amazing. Love you, Atkinsons.

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