I did not think it was possible for me to feel worse than I had on thursday when I went in to the hospital.
then I caught the flu.
And i realized that indeed there was a devil and his name is Gastroenteritis.
Fo shiz. I mean, what can I say. Michael’s Pizza is twice as nice the second time around??? Today is such a marked difference in how I feel that it’s almost as if I took this weird funkadelic space trip somewhere on Sunday nite, was out of my body all day yesterday, and I re-attached to my earthly being sometime during the wee hours of this morning. There is a lot of emotional stuff that I have to explore about all that occurred during those 40 some hours of illness, and I will get to that in a minute, but first let me say that you have not truly experienced motherhood until you are puking your guts out into the toilet while your 1 year old stands there trying to catch it with her hands, and then proceeds to take the toilet bowl brush and beat you with it.
I love the little munchkin, I really do. but COME ON!!! Can’t I even puke in peace? And then darling sweet Karissa, who has to come in to ASK ME “mommy, are you frowing up???” No no honey, go back to cartoons. I am just making weird noises into the toilet and getting beat up by your sister cause its a fun new diet mommy is on.
Anyways – I was confronted by my own limitations in a way that I do’nt think i ever have been before – mostly because I was at the point where I could not argue with the help that was being offered by some very good, kindhearted, brave friends. (Brave because they were willing to venture near the house of illness). I cannot even put into words what it means to me, to have these women do what they did for me. I have a feeling it would just make them both blush and wave me off if i were to name them, but they know who they are, and i pray that God richly blesses each of them for the blessing they were to me and my family yesterday and today. Meals made, groceries bought and delivered, children watched, lists prioritized…i was overwhelmed by their actions and by my own hesitance to be able to accept their help. I mean honestly, it takes me being on death’s door to be able to say – “Sure, I’d love some help! you know, this single parenting is harder than I think some days! I’d LOVE to take you up on that offer!” – tell me that isn’t messed up.
But, the key is that I AM REALIZING IT. my big deep dark secret. Are you ready?
Here it is:
in spite of the fact that i have the Underoos to prove otherwise –
There I said it.
have you ever seen the movie “28 Days” with Sandra Bullock? Ok well I’m not a substance abuser or anything, but in it she has to wear this neck sign after she breaks her leg and is hobbling around that says “Confront me if I don’t ask for help”. That is how i am feeling about now. I think I am being brought to this point for a reason, one i have no idea if i even want to attempt to fathom. But i am here nonetheless, and i am going to try to learn the lesson anyways. Ask for help. Accept the help when it comes. Why is this SO HARD?
I can’t quite figure it out. i have no idea if its one of those psychobabble instilled in childhood lines of crap or if its something i picked up in adolescence or early adulthood. But somewhere along the way I clearly latched on to the message that i WAS wonderwoman, and have proceeded to live my life as such. will this change who I am in any way, i wonder, to learn to give up control, to give up the 539 things i fill my days with to someone else – to actually DELEGATE and NOT DO IT ALL MYSELF…
Ok this is turning into a depressing post. and really, its a happy one. Cause i feel so much better and I have awesome friends and THAT is worth celebrating.
PS – the lack of updating – yeah i was hacked again. If more than four days ever go by without a post – assume i was hacked. Apparently something about my “terrarist” moniker is like a fricking magnet for idiot hacker punks. I feel so speshullll.
Ok i am out. gots to go feed the animals. i mean children.
May God grant you all health, the likes of which we haven’t seen around here in weeks.