She is here at last.
I should have at least 5 or 6 posts about this by now and yet…here we are. Our first update.
As most of you probably know, Kendall’s birth was
….wow. An entire blog unto itself probably. But the details of that will come. For tonite, I will just update on her current status.
She is still in the NICU, on a CPAP machine that helps her lungs get enough pressure to inflate all the way, and oxygen to help her breathe a little easier and get oxygen to all other systems of her body. The cause of all her problems, or her official “diagnosis” is TTN – transient tachypnea of newborns. Translation – she breathes too fast. Why? Her birth was too fast, and
the amniotic fluid didn’t get flushed/squeezed out of her lungs like it should have. So her lungs are/were filled with too much fluid, making her brain think she is drowning so she is breathing too fast to compensate, and clearly, trying to always breathe fast wears her out. So onto the machines we go.
She is doing ok tonite. Its a constant back and
forth battle. Two steps forward, one step back. I am excited and encouraged after some visits, and in despair after others. Always full of hope. Her case isn’t hopeless. She WILL come home, and when she does she will be fine. TTN WILL resolve itself – its just that it usually has happened by now for most babies. But of course, this is OUR child we are talking about here. The one who has been causing problems for mommy since day one of this pregnancy! I personally think Ben told her a LITTLE too much about how we were
all waiting for her at home and she has now decided that based on the chaos she has been sensing around her for the past 9 months, and the relative calm of the NICU, that just staying there is probably her safest and best choice. I think she knows EXACTLY what she is doing.
Thanks to the unselfish act of kindness of a friend tonite, Ben
and I were able to go back tonite to the NICU to see her again. It was good to see her kind of starting to fight – she was mad at her feeding tube, mad at the mask on her face and just in general FIGHTING for life. It’s the first fight I have seen in her in four days and it did my heart good. She has been awake for a small part of both of our visits today and it is SO amazing to see her gorgeous blue eyes, and watch her respond to our voices.
Leaving the hospital without her was one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure as a mom. And yet I have hope – I KNOW i will get to leave with her soon. Just not soon enough for my liking. It is surreal to know that I have FOUR kids now, and yet only three of them are asleep in their beds here with us. It is unnatural to not be able to pick up my baby when she is crying. Laying in the hospital the past few nites in the mother baby unit, hearing all the babies around me crying, KNOWING that some of their moms were so frustrated with them…it was all i could do to stay in my own room and not be that crazy woman wandering around offering to hold everyone else’s crying baby. My arms still ache to hold her. I just want to kiss a spot on her face without a tube or tape or some other unnatural thing in the way.
There are so many other random thoughts. I am not even sure how to get it all out. I will have to start at the beginning and catch up – maybe tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow i will be able to feel semi-normal again, no horrible neck pain from the whiplash/spinal headache/sinus infection. I will be able to sit up for more than 20 minutes at a time.
Maybe tomorrow my baby will be closer to breathing all on her own, so we can see if she can eat from a bottle instead of a tube.
Maybe tomorrow they can start talking about when she might be able to come.
Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and realize this is all a crazy dream? No.
I know its not. I will be able to wrap my mind around it more tomorrow, maybe. I hope.