So I’ m not really sure where or how to begin this post…
I know it’s been forever.
I’ve been going through some stuff. Some hard stuff. Stuff that i wanted to come and post about here but the thing is, it’s a story that is not solely my own, so i didn’t feel like I could tell it. And I’m still not sure i can totally fully tell it – but i have missed my outlet here. I’ve missed being able to process the emotions of what i’m dealing with via my writing, and the connection I get when I share things with you guys. So i’m going to attempt to just start where i’m at and go from there.
First – we are all doing ok from a health standpoint. Kendall is doing as well as I could ever hope for, we managed to escape massive sickness this crazy long winter (even though i’m still trying to recover from a brutal 3 week bout with bronchitis, or at least that’s what i diagnosed myself with!), and overall, yeah. we are cruising along in that aspect. But to tell you the truth, I am doing anything but cruising.
I am keeping on because it’s all I know how to do. But I’m not sure i’m doing it really well. I am not really wanting to dwell a ton on it with this post because like I said, it’s not just a one-sided thing. My marriage is not in a good place. I don’t really know what the next few months might bring. I don’t want to create more questions by being vague about it, but i don’t want to get into the details right now. Know that i know it is never just one thing or one person that kills a marriage. It is a series of tiny little things, silly little trivialities usually, that left unchecked create massive cracks in the stability of the foundation a marriage has to be built upon. And without communication about those things,it can quickly being crumbling. So this crumbling hurts. And being who i am, I try my best to patch up the crumbling places and keep a game face on and move forward. It’s the best way I know how right now.
But going through this – wow. It has caused me to build an inner strength, or rather to rely on an inner Strength that I didn’t know was there. It has caused me to dig pretty deep within myself to try to learn from the hurt instead of react to it, to really analyze who i am, and what i am doing with my life, to look at myself in a whole new light. It’s been a journey and it will continue to be a journey and i realized that at the end of the day, that’s what this blog is. A chronicle of my journey – the good, bad and ugly. And while I’d rather on some level continue to pretend like things are sailing along smoothly and fabulously – the truth of the matter is that they aren’t. And that’s ok. Bad things happen. And the best you can do is learn to not let the bad things control your life.
And for all I know, the ending of this story may not be all bad. It feels bad and painful right now – for both of us – but we’ve been through a lot before and come out ok on the other side….and if i believe in one thing – it’s that Hope is Always a Good Thing.
And that’s about all I have to say about that for right now.
I am all kinds of excited about this for reasons that I can hardly put into words.
I need this solitude. I need the beach and the salt water of the ocean and the warmth of the sun.
I need to be in a place different than the one I am in every day and I need to have a few days where the only persons needs i need to worry about are my own. And to even say that makes me feel so selfish. It is all i’ve known for so long – taking care of everyone around me. And even though my girls are amazingly strong and independent little humans, they still need so much from me. It is hard to constantly give and give and give and never have anything to refill the giver. I know so many strong women in my life who know this concept well and I wish on some level that I could take you all with me. I do not take the opportunity for this trip lightly at all. It is a gift, and I will treat it accordingly. But oh how excited I am!
I have only ever been to Mexico for missions trips – to areas of the country that aren’t touristy and aren’t fueled by drug money and usually aren’t “americanized” in any way. And in some way, that’s the Mexico I long to see. I will be going on one day trip to some of the ancient Mayan ruins, and to see the “jungle” down the coast a little ways. (And feel free right now to comment down below if you have ANY kind of input on tours/things I should do/things i should avoid/etc – I will take any and all advice!!)
But anyways – I am very excited about my trip. A little nervous….I mean, it’s not every day that you take a trip to a different country on your own. Eat all your meals on your own. Decide to go zip lining through the jungle or cliff diving on your own. Yet….this is what I truly long for. Finding within myself the ability to be alone and content with my own self. Hear my own inner voice. Be at peace in a place of solitude and just listen.
So this week ahead will be filled with making sure things are set for Kendall’s schedule, and praying that she continues to behave herself and do so well health wise. Making sure her supplies and meds are all set and that nursing coverage is in place as much as possible and that the other three will be able to get to and from their various activities and that everything runs as smoothly as possible in my absence. It has been so long since i’ve gone on “vacation” like this….i literally cannot even tell you how excited I am! I had to get a passport and everything.
I’ve never had a passport before. It is totally empty. I cannot wait to see that first stamp in it and I hope that someday it gets other ones in it too.
And that’s where I’m at right now. I’m keepin on. And I will continue to do so. And I will continue to use this space as my place to process through how that looks. I know I want to remember every second of my trip coming up so I hope to be able to share some of that here with you all too.
Some of you have been such amazing supports to me throughout the past few years, and I appreciate every single comment or email or in person hug I have received from you. I need your support and love and prayers more than ever right now. We all do, honestly.
There’s so much more I could say, and maybe it will eventually come out, as I find ways of being better able to talk through things that are hard to say. But right now, I know only to focus on this day, and a few days ahead.
Thank you for sticking around if you still check in here and read this little blog of mine~
Keep on Keepin On….
(Photo courtesy of the JW marriott Cancun Resort and Spa)