holycow.

I did not think it was possible for me to feel worse than I had on thursday when I went in to the hospital.

then I caught the flu.

And i realized that indeed there was a devil and his name is Gastroenteritis.

Fo shiz. I mean, what can I say. Michael’s Pizza is twice as nice the second time around??? Today is such a marked difference in how I feel that it’s almost as if I took this weird funkadelic space trip somewhere on Sunday nite, was out of my body all day yesterday, and I re-attached to my earthly being sometime during the wee hours of this morning. There is a lot of emotional stuff that I have to explore about all that occurred during those 40 some hours of illness, and I will get to that in a minute, but first let me say that you have not truly experienced motherhood until you are puking your guts out into the toilet while your 1 year old stands there trying to catch it with her hands, and then proceeds to take the toilet bowl brush and beat you with it.

I love the little munchkin, I really do. but COME ON!!! Can’t I even puke in peace? And then darling sweet Karissa, who has to come in to ASK ME “mommy, are you frowing up???” No no honey, go back to cartoons. I am just making weird noises into the toilet and getting beat up by your sister cause its a fun new diet mommy is on.

God bless children.

Anyways – I was confronted by my own limitations in a way that I do’nt think i ever have been before – mostly because I was at the point where I could not argue with the help that was being offered by some very good, kindhearted, brave friends. (Brave because they were willing to venture near the house of illness). I cannot even put into words what it means to me, to have these women do what they did for me. I have a feeling it would just make them both blush and wave me off if i were to name them, but they know who they are, and i pray that God richly blesses each of them for the blessing they were to me and my family yesterday and today. Meals made, groceries bought and delivered, children watched, lists prioritized…i was overwhelmed by their actions and by my own hesitance to be able to accept their help. I mean honestly, it takes me being on death’s door to be able to say – “Sure, I’d love some help! you know, this single parenting is harder than I think some days! I’d LOVE to take you up on that offer!” – tell me that isn’t messed up.

But, the key is that I AM REALIZING IT.  my big deep dark secret. Are you ready?

Here it is:

in spite of the fact that i have the Underoos to prove otherwise –

I

Am Not

Wonderwoman.

There I said it.

have you ever seen the movie “28 Days” with Sandra Bullock? Ok well I’m not a substance abuser or anything, but in it she has to wear this neck sign after she breaks her leg and is hobbling around that says “Confront me if I don’t ask for help”. That is how i am feeling about now. I think I am being brought to this point for a reason, one i have no idea if i even want to attempt to fathom. But i am here nonetheless, and i am going to try to learn the lesson anyways. Ask for help. Accept the help when it comes. Why is this SO HARD?

I can’t quite figure it out. i have no idea if its one of those psychobabble instilled in childhood lines of crap or if its something i picked up in adolescence or early adulthood. But somewhere along the way I clearly latched on to the message that i WAS wonderwoman, and have proceeded to live my life as such. will this change who I am in any way, i wonder, to learn to give up control, to give up the 539 things i fill my days with to someone else – to actually DELEGATE and NOT DO IT ALL MYSELF…

Ok this is turning into a depressing post. and really, its a happy one. Cause i feel so much better and I have awesome friends and THAT is worth celebrating.

i was told i need to update with pictures, so here some are.

PS – the lack of updating – yeah i was hacked again. If more than four days ever go by without a post – assume i was hacked. Apparently something about my “terrarist” moniker is like a fricking magnet for idiot hacker punks. I feel so speshullll.

Ok i am out. gots to go feed the animals. i mean children.

May God grant you all health, the likes of which we haven’t seen around here in weeks.

terra

apparently it was going TOO slow.

spent an absolute BLAST of a nite in the hospital in labor & delivery being hooked up to monitors to eliminate the possibility that my body has begun to shut down on this pregnancy. I have never, during ANY pregnancy thus far, spent that much time flat on a bed with straps hooked up to me! It was TORTURE!!!!

the good news is that all looks good now.

The bad news is – there really isn’t a reason why. Of course there isn’t. There never is with me – it just IS.

So my go home instructions: go on a low salt diet (i think this may be the worst form of human torture encountered in my life thus far), and restrict your daily activities. If anyone has a handbook on HOW to do that, please share.

I think. I hesitate to say that because…well, just you never know what’s around the riverbend. Like I THOUGHT that Sunday afternoon would be a nice calm ending to the craziness of my final chaotic weekend before my “big break”. Think again. Started on Friday after mops with a mad dash to get Karissa back to the Ped’s office because she was just acting sicker and sicker, complaining of pain in her back (kidneys), not feeling well, and just going more and more lethargic. She really had me scared. But once again, the power of prayer and our God prevailed, and she is back to her usual healthy self now, no antibiotics needed! So after all that excitement, I spent another nite contracting, dreading the pain of being on my feet all day on Saturday for the wedding. In the rain. Outside.

the wedding was actually a BLAST though, in spite of the craziness of running around to get pictures outside in between rain storms and spending most of the day feeling like i was just constantly rain-soaked. The couple had their dogs as the ring-bearer and flower girl – and it just got crazier and more fun from there. So in spite of the craziness of the day, it was a good time.

So then sunday, kidstown went well. nice and quick! Cause we THOUGHT we had to be out of the school cause of the “RAIN OR SHINE!!!!!! Parade” which ended up getting cancelled. i guess rain or shine doesn’t include flood or deluge. So even though I had already gotten a super-awesome-special treat from Ben (my favorite IHOP breakfast!!!) we went and got lunch from chipotle too, and were finishing that up, JUST about to begin our afternoon of rest and relaxation when the girls decided to go in the basement and came quickly running back up the stairs – “ummmm daddy, there’s water all over the floor!” Sure enough – it was up past Ben’s ankles by the time he got down there. And thank the good Lord above that for SOME reason the water wasn’t live from the electric things all plugged in down there cause he just waded in, called for me to come help, and we started bailin’!!! Our basement is not finished, by any means! In fact its little more than a glorified storage/holding area for all the crap we can’t seem to get rid of . ok all the crap *I* can’t seem to get rid of. And the toys. And my crafts/scrapping. But we had put a lot into making it a semi-livable space, had some nice carpet remnants over the better portion of the floor, had it semi separated out into different rooms/areas – so all of that hard work was down the drain. Or out the window well as the case may be. Luckily we didn’t lose anything that is TOO important or irreplaceable. I mean, sure, it sucks, there were quite a few bags of clothes that had to just get tossed, lots of toys (although I am kind of not sad about that one..), some decoration things for Christmas and Fall (cause, you know. I am such a huge season decorator…)Anyways – the bottom line is, it could have been SO much worse, so we felt very lucky. and we were EVER so grateful for bryan, who dropped whatever he was doing with his Sunday afternoon, came over and fixed our stupid sump pump which had stopped working, and then helped move furniture and crap around so we could get to the important stuff and get it up off the floor. And many thanks to his wife brenna and their kids for letting their dad go for a whole afternoon! And right when I was sure I was going to pass out from sheer tiredness and pain from now almost 20 straight hours on my feet (ok i slept for 7 hours, i can’t complain), MORE help shows up in the form of good friends/neighbors. You just, you think you have good friends when life is going great. you realize JUST HOW GREAT those friends are when trouble hits, and they show up to do whatever needs to be done to help you out.

That is about all i can say about that or else I will start crying and I feel like i am JUST nowfinally getting past that crazy hormonal emotional time of pregnancy and I do’nt want to cry right now. Just know that sometimes, the rainbows that come after the storms are meant just for you. This one was mine. I do’nt have all the pics up – but it was one of those amazing full circle rainbows – i couldn’t even capture it all with my wide angle lens.

So thanks to everyone who helped and offered to come help. You are very very appreciated.

In other news – I never did share the pics of the actual damage inflicted by the rogue fire hydrant attacking my Denali.

A close up of the worst of it. That good size hole on the left is where the top of the hydrant actually came up into the car. That’s pretty much when i knew i was in big trouble.

A better view of the lovely yellow paint left by Mr. Hydrant. Notice also the downward tilting running board. This was ONE HEAVY hydrant let me tell you.

From the inside looking out. Hello pavement! This makes a wonderful addition to the acoustics of any automobile – road noise that sounds like it is going to suck your unborn child from inside you.

Anyways – I would take an “after” picture right now to show you the AMAZING put it all back together transformation the good folks at CarCare Collision achieved, but it had to go right back in for some warranty work to keep it actually running. See, it came back from the shop with this lovely new habit of blasting the HEAT. The colder you tried to turn the air con, the hotter the air was coming out. I thought this was a nice perk on Friday nite, in the cold rain. However, my genius husband pointed out that this would NOT be so fun next July when it was 98 degrees and humid outside. i tell you what, NOTHIN gets past that Ben Atkinson. So i reluctantly agreed to take the car BACK to the shop. She is going to think I have forgotten her. And i kind of have. The good feel of a REAL 8 cylinder truck engine when you floor the gas, the pull you get from accelerating, how happy she is when i fill her up with gas and get her washed. I love my car. I miss my car. and I do realize I am talking crazy talk about an inanimate object.

and in other catch up news:

Here’s a shot of Kealey opening THE SHOES that her daddy searched relentlessly to find for her. Clearly they had the desired impact!

And I am happy to report that she has not gotten on yellow one time since receiving the shoes. So they are still able to reside in her closet and on her feet!

She is absolutely loving 1st grade, although hates having to do “homework” when she gets off the bus in the afternoons. Its one math sheet (which she loves), sometimes a handwriting sheet, and then 15 minutes of reading. Its the reading that gets the most complaints. So we got her an American Girl book, and at least that is helping her not complain SO badly about it. She really is becoming a pretty good reader, and as long as she keeps her amazing math skills like her daddy, I won’t harp on her too bad about the reading. It is still quite the adjustment every day to get used to her being gone. Although the other day when her school was cancelled cause of all the flooded roads, and she was home all day – WHOO was I about to lose my mind or what!!! Maybe it was the three straight days of being cooped up or maybe it was just that they aren’t used to playing together again – but my gosh her and Karissa were wilder than a bunch of monkeys at feeding time at the zoo! School is definitely a good thing!

One last picture to leave you with. Little missy was SO enthralled to get to put on the tutu and do bella dancerella with Karissa on this day. She cracks me up how she just doesn’t seem to GET that she is actually a BABY still, and kealey and karissa are big girls. She just considers herself to be one of them! what on EARTH am I going to do with FOUR of them in a few months?!?!?!

Well, no sense making myself more insane than i already feel by dwelling on it…

So, till next time, here’s to good health for us all and many thanks for good friends. And

NO MORE RAIN!!!

terra

i truly cannot thank all of you enough who have been worried enough about karissa, the test, the results, my sanity, etc to have written or called. You are all the buoy which is keeping me afloat. Knowing that so many people care, and are praying for her, for us. Its an amazing feeling to feel so loved and cared for!

Well, we finally got her results this afternoon. There was very little evidence of reflux the nurse tells me, but there is a “bladder diverticulum”. Have you ever squeezed a balloon in your fist and had like, part of it pop out between your fingers or your thumb? That’s what a diverticulum is – essentially a little hernia in her bladder which also happens to be filling with….i guess urine, and not emptying. Her doctor is not familiar enough with urology to  say beyond a doubt that this isn’t part of what is causing the UTI’s, so we are being referred to a pediatric urologist. One of the few in the Chicago area. Thank God we live in a metropolis area. If we were still in California I am not sure that little town would even know how to spell urology. (No offense, Paradisians.) It just proves to me how God really does know what He is doing when he uproots you multiple times to move you cross country and back.

Anyways – so we wait.

Go ahead, google bladder diverticulum. i did. Spent all afternoon learning more about it than I can absorb right now. The only treatment for a diverticulum? Surgery.

It will never go away on its own. It will most assuredly continue to cause her to have “incomplete emptying of the bladder”. Does that lead to or seem to be the cause of her recurrent UTI’s? That’s what we don’t know. More of what we DO know from our google searching and other research:

Not stopping the UTI’s will lead to more urinary tract, including kidney, damage.  Not stopping the UTI’s has a high likelihood of affecting her reproductive organs.  Not stopping the UTI’s will mean months? years? a lifetime? of Karissa enduring the pain and embarrassment of incessant UTI’s, possibly never gaining full continence of her bladder.

so we are praying tonite. For her health. That she stays healthy over the next month until we can get in with this overbooked, overworked ped’s urologist. That God will give us a peace about the next step, or a peace with what the urologist decides. Surgery sounds scary. And i want to say – no way, no surgery for my kid. But how can I make that decision? how can I say, no, because surgery scares me to death, I will willingly risk your pain, your health, your future ability to have children, karissa, because i love you. None of this is making much sense to me right now. In my logical brain processing center, I know that I really have no right to worry or stress over this until we talk to the specialist. The mommy bear part of me though NEEDS TO figure this out now. NEEDS TO know what plan A is , what plan B is, and know which way to start preparing karissa. NEEDS TO know, to decide, to gather all the facts and fit them into a nice little package with a bow and THEN move on.

But for right now, she is healthy. She is laughing and smiling and talking a hundred miles a minute to fill the silence left behind by her sissy’s going off to school. I want to put tape over her mouth sometimes. NON STOP TALKING. And yet, i am learning to embrace this new side of Karissa emerging, to love it for what it is, for who She is. i am truly so blessed.

so that’s what i know tonite.

And probably won’t know much more till October 8th, when we have our appointment. I just gotta keep her healthy for one more month. I just have to keep this baby in place for one more month, I think as I am hit with another contraction. Probably stress induced. i am stressing myself out. I need to just CHILL. And if i had a dollar for every time i have heard one of you say that, I would take all those dollars and buy myself a stress ball or something!!!

Really and truly – I will be much better in the morning. i am going to bed early tonite. I will lay this at the feet of our Lord and ask Him to carry it for me for a while. And I will wake up ready to tackle the challenges that tomorrow will bring – my gestational diabetes test (YAY for the sugary orange cola! can you believe I actually CRAVED that stuff last pregnancy??? Blech!), errands, MOPS planning, and some Kidstown finalization. Oh and of course I have to blog a weekend updates catch up. We had a great weekend. I’ll even have some pics to go along with it!

Thanks for checking on us.

t-crest

Fill in the blank with your own favorite metaphor. My personal fave is “one-legged man in a butt-kickin’ contest”. But you know, to each their own.

That’s where I’ve been lately – in my own butt kickin’ contest.

Kidstown kickoff is this Sunday, MOPS kicks off next Friday. It would be neat if those were the only two main events in my life, but as of right now, they’re just the main two stressors. Topping and spawning the to-do lists that are now 15 pages long with sub-sets and cliffs notes to decipher what leads to what. This is crunch time baby!

In case you haven’t already heard my sob story – I also had a NASTY head-on collision with a speeding fire hydrant, who was unfortunately uninsured. And found not at fault. So, in spite of the fact that I tried to convince Ben it would cut down on air conditioning being that now fresh air could come right through the massive gash ripped into the passenger door, my next three paychecks will be devoted to paying off that little whoops. Darling. pictures will be forthcoming. Hopefully when I have an “after – all fixed and better” pic to accompany the horrifying mangled mass of fiberglass and metal and plastic that it was before.

And in one last teensy bit of added stress, tomorrow is Karissa’s “procedure”. Truthfully, I feel a great peace about it, even though when I think too hard on it it makes me just the tiniest bit nervous and scared for her. Ben’s work schedule/locations would just not allow him to be present for this test that apparently only gets performed on Tues and thurs. mornings at 10 am. So my daddy is coming. I think he’s probably the ONLY other person on the face of the earth who would keep Karissa calm in there. Due to the fact that I am pregnant and this is a nuclear radioactive dye they are injecting into my child, they aren’t real hip on me being in there with her, hence my dad being there. I am hoping that they will knock her out in a holding room of some kind where she can be with me until she goes out, and then my dad can take her in and be there in case she wakes up or anything. Ok I need to stop typing about it, its making my hands shake.

Please please pray for her though if you are reading this. I am asking my child to do something I myself would be scared TO DEATH to go through. 2 hours under sedation in a little MRI tube. Yeah no thanks. I’ll just deal with the UTI pain! The procedure starts at 10 am Central time, and will be done just before noon. I’ll update tomorrow nite how it went.  but your prayers would be very much appreciated. for her AND me. I am not sure who will need it more!

So that’s the depressing state of this blog tonite. Just worrying, waiting, stressing, planning, trying to just survive. Keep looking to that glorious date on the calendar, September 15th. on that date I will officially have only the birth of this unnamed child on the calendar as my last big “to-do” this year. I mean, sure, I’ll still have the usual meetings and activities and day-to-day stuff. But no more big PROJECTS or EVENTS that need my oversight or planning. It will be a glorious day indeed. Only thirteen more days.

Just breathe.