Yes I said stupid.
I guess this is the level of grief we are at today around here.
(I’m not sure who the “we” is – me and the other members of the me committee i guess.)
The blogging experts say that blog posts that contain numbers in them do well.
You’re supposed to organize your blog according to lists that people can easily digest.
I’ve been blogging since 2006 and i’m here to tell you, I don’t think i’ve ever written an easily digestible numbered blog post.
But today it just feels like everything is stupid.
A non-exhaustive list:
1. Death is stupid.
2. Covid is stupid.
3. Strokes are stupid.
4. Having to pay bills is stupid.
5. Running out of coffee is stupid.
Today is just a day.
I’m having a hard time finding the right balance of humidity in Kendall’s bipap machine overnight, so that just causes mornings to be rough for all of us. I spend way too much of my night finally getting around to all the things I should have gotten to in the daytime, but between kid activities and trying to work to maintain this household and just general sadness, it falls through the cracks. I can usually get a small burst of energy at night though, but then i argue with myself that all i really want to do is lay on the couch with some crappy tv, even though I know there’s gotta be some balance here.
Anyways – i digress.
It’s been really great having my dad around the past week to just be an extra set of helping hands (and driving wheels!), but now we are all having to adjust to our “new normal” – (i hate that covid commercials have absolutely destroyed that phrase for me.)
And this new normal sucks.
I wanted to call my mom and tell her about our crappy morning and how my underwear just completely yeeted out while i was walking into the store so i’m sitting there having a conversation with a worker while my underwear is uncomfortably down by my thighs instead of where it should be on my butt…i know she would have been laughing at/with me. It would have been a perfect place for her to tell me “oh terra, it’s gotta get bad before it gets worse!” (A famous quote of hers from when she was trying to cheer my sister up in her teenage years by trying to say “it only gets worse before it gets better”, but hilariously making it somehow even crappier life advice than in it’s original form!)
So I’m trying to refocus on the good things,
Even if i’m not doing super great at it.
I had to call and order Kendall’s monthly medical supplies. I knew it had been a month since I had done it because I was pretty distracted in October, but when I called in, the rep admonished me for waiting so long…and I kind of got teary and said, yeah i’m sorry, my mom died unexpectedly and i haven’t been very good at keeping life together…
And the rep took a deep breath and just goes “oh honey…my momma died too quick too. I am sending you a big hug, and we are gonna get miss kendall taken care of right now…”
It’s those small touches of kindness throughout my day right now that keep me going.
I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears.
Songs. Holiday commercials. Her picture.
Her name popping up as comments in facebook memories.
It all is a trigger. And then the tears come.
And then all i want to do is curl up and cry.
But someone’s gotta keep making dinner.
Doing the laundry.
Ordering the supplies.
Fixing the bipap.
Hugging the hurting babies.
Life just goes on.
As much as it feels like it shouldn’t…like we should get a free time out pass…
It does.
And all I can do is try to keep up with it.
So today I try to.
Even if I do think everything is stupid.
Maybe a starbucks will help.
They’ll probably be out of my flavor though,
And then they’ll be added to my list.
So that’s my 5 reasons things are stupid today.
Hopefully i find my 5 not stupid things and a better attitude somewhere along the way.